Driving a bus?

2011-01-20T20:41:00.000Z

MMXI

Just popped in to see if I've posted anything new . . .
apparently not!

2009-04-07T21:31:00.002+01:00

Post number (er . . . lost count)

It has come to my attention that I'm dead which does make writing a bit of a problem, but not insurmountable as you can see.

The fast few months have been uneventful in the bus world that I call home, lots of moans and groans but not interesting reading, its easy to complain but hard to entertain.

I've not crashed the bus for ages (that's an instant curse now I bet), nor have I run anyone over (they tend to dodge out of the way now), no one's died in transit but there's still time.

Been spending a lot of my time on my new project, the history of Worthing pubs (yes I know, boring but the on site research is fun) and the current results can be found at www.worthingpubs.com, got a mention in the local Argus newspaper about it on page three with a very unflattering picture but at least they spelt my name right. When I got home that evening the local radio station wanted an interview which I did over the phone which was very strange to do, so Andy Warhol was right, fifteen minutes of fame.

There was one amusing story I heard today of a past incident, a driver was coming to the end of his round when a customer was getting off the bus remarked to the driver that there was a wheelchair on board, nothing unusual about that you might think, except there was no one in it, it would seem this driver had the power to heal the lame, hopefully we won't nail him to a cross at Easter!

2008-12-02T11:38:00.002Z

183) If you missed it . . .

Top Gear did a Bus Race, check out BBC Iplayer (bbc 2 section) for full programme or you tube link here for the bus section.

2008-12-01T12:34:00.002Z

182) The picture I said I wouldn't publish (I Lied)

I’ve been inspired to write some more and to dismiss any rumours of my death. It was August since my last confession and I’ve been a good boy since then . . . (stop laughing)

So, what’s new? I’ve been invited to write for the in-house news letter, there has been an offer by one of the controllers to do a centre page spread but this would require a fold out section and extra staples so that’s on hold, perhaps a Christmas Advent calendar would be more suitable then at least you don’t have to open all of the boxes.

We did a bus pull (ok, I didn’t, I get out of breath taking my hands out of my pocket) along Worthing sea front in aid of charity (ahh) there’s even a video clip somewhere (er . . here)

and you know what, people still tried to get on. It proved so successful the bus company has sold off the tow truck.

Chichester has a new ruling for bus drivers reversing out of the bays, we have to beep the horns, strangely the public have a habit of walking across the forecourt behind revering buses, this gives rise at busy periods of a cacophony of tuneless honking except on one occasion were everyone joined in and did a wonderful rendition of Beethoven’s Piano Concerto number 5, second movement (he had a gippy tummy that day), it brought tears to my eyes but I was peeling an onion at the time.

The story behind the picture. Chichester has branded the number 60 service with the swinging sixty’s imagery. Its named after the route number, not the average age of the customers (apparently).

Signing off for now, the warden wants the crayon back now.

2008-11-09T13:52:00.000Z

Bus pull pictures here

2008-08-28T22:54:00.002+01:00

180)

The Other Customer
So, what happened to the story about the other "customer?"
(Comments 176)

The three old dears shuffled on to the bus (by ‘dears’ I mean elderly people, not as in venison) ‘Three to Portsmouth’ said the elected spokesperson and held out her pass. Now it’s easy enough to press the enter button three times (just an hours training) but I’m much wiser now and just press it once, the elected spokesperson gives me a strange look (she had it in her hand ready), I looked over her shoulder and she clicked on, ‘Oh, he wants to see your passes girls’ she said and low the passes were pre offered. ‘I’m sorry, that’s an old pass, for I can not accept it any more’ say I. ‘Well the other driver accepted it’ replied the elected spokesperson’, ‘Tell me another one’ replied I (or rather wished I had) but instead just paused. It was stand off time; I got out a jigsaw puzzle. ‘How much is it’ the elected spokesperson eventually asked, ‘£3.70’ I said quick as a flash (as in a flash of light, not a dirty old man standing in an alley way) ‘Oh, it was only £3.50’ coming here’ she said . . . . ahhhhhh gotcha! If the other driver had accepted her free pass how could she have been charged? I remained silent (but my alto ego was running up and down the bus naked, try not to picture that . . please).

And there’s more . .

I pulled in to the main bus stop in the middle of Worthing, the crowd welcomed me in the usual fashion, waving, and shouting, throwing rotten fruit etc. In the end I had to open the doors and they heaved on totally ignoring my hand written sign saying Anthrax quarantine unit. As I dealt with people on an individual basis I noticed three children being ushered on behind the paying passengers and noted the two women/mothers doing the ushering. After about a minute these mothers boarded the bus at the back of the queue. ‘Two to Portslade please’ she asked, I rung up the fares and added ‘Plus three children was it?’, there was a pause (similar to the one I the story above except this one was yellow) . . . . ‘yes’ came the eventual reply, I completed the tickets and told her the price ‘What, I’m not paying that, we’ll get a taxi, come on children, off the bus’. This did mean I had to cancel a string of tickets but it was worth every one. The strange thing was, round the corner I was due to change drivers and have a break and so I wondered back in to town to search the rubbish bins for food when I noticed the very same mothers back in the queue for the next bus, If I had had the time I would have just stood in the bus stop in clear view and smiled.

2008-08-28T21:53:00.001+01:00

TIP of the week:

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

2008-08-22T11:14:00.003+01:00

178) I'm a name, not a number

Yes, we have badges with our names on now and I always though my name was ‘Oi you’, you live and learn. I have contemplated changing mine, the options being: Darling, The Artist Formally Known As Prince (to long) Mr H Shipman, Xyzyz (A Chinese national hero or Polish Politician - probably) or ‘Yes I’m late – don’t talk to me’

OK, it’s been a while I admit, it just that nothing exciting has happened for ages or am I tempting fate I wonder.

Now there was that incident the other day, lady got off the bus (I did stop, I’m considerate like that) and she wheeled her shopping trolley off the platform to the pavement below, I guess she had a lot of shopping in it as the rim of one of the wheels parted company from the hub, I saw it happen . . . she didn’t and waved me goodbye, I drove off with a smile (and the bus) wondering how she was going to get home on one wheel?

‘You’ve got a trainee with you this morning’ I was informed the other morning by Control . . . they smiled, I smiled back (but mine wasn’t real). Now we all have to start somewhere, I remembered those early days too well. ‘Can he drive’ I asked, this may sound a little strange but it has been known for the odd trainee to have no sense of direction and spend chunks of the day reversing a bus out of people’s driveways as in . . Turn right here . . . no, I meant where that road is not immediately in to someone’s garden . . . bless.

My concerns were unfounded however, he was keen, confident and a lot bigger than me.
I spent the first couple of rounds riding on the platform which is like standing on the deck of a small boat wearing roller skates pretending your in full control of your legs knowing the passengers behind are watching and thinking ‘why are there two drivers, perhaps one’s good at turning left and the other at turning right’. These first trips were uneventful. By trip three I was sitting behind him (not on the same seat I should add) out of sight, it takes a bit of the pressure off him, I did shout out ‘MY GOD WE’RE GOING TO CRASH’ a couple of times but he was unfazed. Trip four found me halfway down the bus enjoying the ride, listening to the old ladies gossip which made me realise why I like it up front, at one point Paul Gadd tried to get on but he told him he wasn’t welcome here

2008-07-14T21:52:00.000+01:00

177 Just another day

The vermilion splash of blood on a freshly formed elder leaf, the soft carpet of rabbit fur ground in to the black tarmac and the shades of grey on a pigeons wing waving in the breeze strangely absent from the rest of the body, the morning dew glistening from a dead badgers eye hanging from a twig on the road side, all these wonders of nature only open to the early shift drivers. . . .

(excerpt from Jimmy latest book: Jimmy and the Windmill of Doom. Published by Ginster Pie and Sausage Company, available as a hard back with wipe clean cover, coffee table version available soon, just as soon as we find some legs to fit it).

The bus stops halfway up a one way street, a fire engine blocks the way, ‘what’s that driver’ asks a woman passenger, ‘it’s a fire engine’ replies the driver, ‘What’s it doing there?’ says the woman, ‘Attending a fire’ replies the driver, ‘why have we stopped?’ enquires the same woman’, ‘there’s a fire engine in the way’ ends the driver in total disbelief. None of this happened to me thankfully but to another driver, I am given to understand that they’ve not found her body yet!

Foreign students, you either love ‘em or hate ‘em, me, I’ll reserve my opinion for the moment. When it’s a single student then there’s not really a problem but they tend to herd together like cattle and rush the bus the moment the door opens snapping the legs of the elderly as they try to disembark. I now stop short of the bus stop to give the more fragile a head start to leave the bus and perhaps the opportunity to scrape the shins of the rushing students with their shopping trolleys. What does bug me is that whilst they are here they are under strict instructions to only speak English but this seems to have got lost in translation I think.

A few days ago I pulled in to Littlehampton a few minutes early; a small crowd were waiting for me, I frisk them as they board the bus looking for knives, alcohol rub and illicit toffee making machinery when one gentleman decides to vent his spleen and tells all within hearing distance what a poor service the bus company was giving, I raised my eyebrow (there’s a small lever in my pocket)’ Is there a problem sir?’ I asked as I confiscated a knuckle duster off an octogenarian. Yes, we’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes and three buses stopped, put ‘OUT OF SERVICE’ up and drove off’ he answered. ‘Ah, those would be ones that have finished their duties and were going back to the depot to be fuelled and cleaned sir’ replied I. ‘yes of course, you would say that wouldn’t you’ he answered back in a disbelieving voice. ‘It’s quite true sir, it’s now the reduced evening service sir, those buses will be back on the road at five o’clock tomorrow morning. ‘Well why can’t they carry passengers back, it’s on the way, it’s a total shambles’, ‘unfortunately once a service is finished they are no longer insured to carry passengers’, yer, sure’ came his reply.

What was annoying is that in those fifteen minutes he was waiting, no buses were due or time-tabled to arrive to carry passengers, the bus prior to me was on time, I was on time (in fact early) the service was running as printed, still, it’s not as if he were paying for the service was he, he had a free pass. (body still undiscovered at time of writing)

2008-06-29T23:08:00.001+01:00

176 ) I soon realised today would be a difficult one.

‘Thank you for waiting’ said the elderly woman’ who had just run across the road in front of the bus as it pulled out, her arms rotating like a demonic windmills, ‘Well it was either that or run you over’ I relied in my best having-a-joke-with-a-customer voice.

‘Where would you like to go’ I asked, ‘Oh anywhere’ came the reply, Oh bugger thought I, one of those. ‘Where’s you last stop driver’ she enquired? ‘Southsea’ I answered, ‘Then Southsea will do’ she finished.

She moved deeper in to the bus whilst rummaging through her handbag. This is a common ploy used my some older people in the hope the driver will give up waiting and start the journey eventually forgetting about them as time passes. I wasn’t in the mood this morning because I knew there was entertainment value here for the rest of my customers.

‘I’m afraid I can’t move off until I issue a ticket ma’am’ I called down the bus; she was at least a third of the way down the bus heading for a seat. She returned and handed over a plastic card to me. ‘I’m sorry’ I said, ‘this is a library card’ she took it back and produced another card, an AA car breakdown service card. I shuddered to think that she might just possibly own a car. ‘Sorry, this card is not the one’. Oh, I shall have to sit down and look for it’ she answered.

‘I won’t be able to move until I have some form of payment’ I told her ‘I’m almost 10 minutes late already, perhaps you would like to sit down on the bench in the bus stop and look for it, another bus will be here in a few minutes’ I tried as a last hope option whilst thinking I should have run her over in the beginning.

She returned and offered another card . . yep, you guessed it, a credit card. By now the next bus was rounding the corner. ‘The next bus has turned up ma’am, ‘I shall have to ask you to leave if you don’t have means of payment’, yes, cruel I know but I can’t carry anyone without a ticket, not worth risking my job for one little old lady.

‘Will this do driver’ she said offering up a five pound note? ‘Yes that would be perfect’ I replied and issued a ticket with the though in the back of my mind that she knew exactly what she was doing.

She got off in Bognor Regis, not even halfway; I knew Bognor was of some use after all.

It turned out that later that day I was to ask another customer to leave the bus. More on that later.

2008-06-15T00:12:00.001+01:00

175) Brain: Manual not included.

It’s been an interesting week (at last). Had a bit of a chat with a construction worker today in Littlehampton, he had managed to park his van just off a mini roundabout where he had been working and was loading up his ‘men at work’ sign when I came around the corner in my bus, problem was, I couldn’t get between him and the traffic island without knocking down the Keep Left bollard, he took one look at me and said ‘You could get a bus thought there mate’ whereas I replied ‘No I can’t’, ‘Yes you can, just keep it straight, it’s simple’ he answered back, Now I certainly wouldn’t presume to doubt his judgement when it came to digging holes in the road but it was a little annoying that he felt he knew better than I the capabilities of driving a bus. I refused to move unless he was prepared to take full responsibility for the consequences. He declined this offer, loaded up his hire van and moved it forward; parking it directly on the zigzags of a pedestrian crossing, some expert then, the onlookers enjoyed it.

Thank you, Cheers mate, thanks driver are all things I am accustomed to but ‘thanks bloke’ is a new one to me.

The other day I was as happy as Larry (whatever the hell that’s meant to mean), there was noting left to ruin my day, until the last run back home. I boarded the passengers as normal (I’d left my silly hat at home) all were eager to get home, each had the right money (Bulls**t alert) and smiling (hitting the fan now) and we all sang a rousing chorus of Rule Britannia before we set off.

I had got no further than quarter of a mile before the water alarm went off. I soon discovered that removing the bulb from the dashboard didn’t stop the alarm, it was still shrieking (hmmm, reminds me of my honeymoon) and I had to turn back to the bus station for a top up, and put some water in the bus too. A chap from head office was also travelling on the bus but he shall remain nameless (Hi Dave) and he reminded me to take caution when removing the water cap, it being pressurised due to the boiling steam inside, at arms length with a wad of paper between my hand and the filler cap I slowly unscrewed it . . . . Nothing, not a hiss or hint of steam, we looked at each other and raised eyebrows in unison, (which is a small town just north of London in case you were wondering) Eyebrows still raised Roger Moore style. I poured in some of companies finest water (as passed by the management), it took lest than a litre to fill to the brim, our collective eyebrows were now on top of our heads, time for an expert opinion, not having one at hand we called for a mechanic.

I followed him around to the back of the bus, I had to, he was holding my hand, he opened up a side panel and uttered ‘hmmm’, nothing wrong there’ and closed it again, I then mentioned that it was actually the other bus behind us. He gave me a look (I still have it) and proceeded to prod about, ‘how far you going’ he asked, ‘Worthing’ I replied, ‘Oh . . . should be alright, run it back to worthing’, what I think he meant was that once it was past halfway it was someone else problem. By this time we had transferred the passenger to another bus that had come in and thankfully going the same way (possibly). We climbed back on board and tentatively set off homeward bound (no relation to Simon and Garfunkel intended).

I’d like to say the trip was uneventful, in fact I will. The trip was uneventful (there, I’ve said it), the bus behaved, I dropped of the chappie from head office (bye Dave) and carried on regardless until I got to an area known as Roundstone, from here it’s a short trip to the village of Ferring long the A259 a nice bit of duel carriageway but for one thing, they had closed the eastbound lanes for resurfacing . . . . bugger, I now had to travel north through the countryside many miles out of my way with a bus that could breakdown at any moment, and I though it would choose the time when I was greatest distance away to cause the most embarrassment, and just to confound it all, nothing happened.

2008-06-08T23:44:00.001+01:00

174 ) No title (which is a title anyway, so that's an oxymoron then?)

I’m not one to speak ill of customers (my fingers were crossed when I wrote that) but today took the proverbial biscuit. Mum, dad and son (I’m assuming a great deal here) boarded in Bognor and I took one look at them and the sound of Duelling banjo’s filled the air, if you’ve not seen the film ‘deliverance’ then ‘squeal like a pig’ will mean nothing to you, because ‘Incest is a game the whole family can play’. As drivers we meet a lot of people who have problems be they physical or mental and we rarely bat an eyelid but never had I meet a family who were the spitting image of each other, were sooo loud and clapped every time the bus went round a corner and as for the other passengers, to a man they spent the entire journey looking out of the windows in complete silence.

Embarrassing incident: A while ago I had to run light to my start point and as is normal practice the sign on the front said ‘Out Of Service’ (only because I lost my sign that said ‘Leper bus’). Now of course, trundling down the road people just see a bus, they want a bus, they don’t care that one’s not due or that no lights are on inside, they will stick out their hands, walking sticks or false limbs to catch my attention come what may, and when we drive right past they curse and complain, I’m often tempted to stop and explain but I know they will jump on or cling to the side of the bus so on this one occasion I slowed down as I passed and pointed upwards at the sign saying Out Of Service when it occurred to me that it would look very much like I was ‘giving them the finger’ as our American cousins might say, from now on I shall just sail past staring fixedly at the road ahead (which would make a change).

2008-06-04T10:29:00.002+01:00

173) Image from Havant Bus station rest room.

Sometimes I get that warm feeling, like a burst colostomy bag.

As I sat basking in the early morning sunshine at Chichester Bus Station I reflected on my life and thought . . . can I start again please?

Did you mother ever say to you 'Make sure you've got clean underwear on just in case you get run over by a bus', or is that just me? I guess the idea is that whilst your laying there on in the resus room at the hospital with pipes out of your nose hooked up to a machine that just goes 'ping' every second, a nurse is cutting your trousers off with a pair of scissors and says 'Oh doctor, try your best, he's wearing clean underwear'. Somehow I know this won't be the case, not at that end.

Well summers on it's way (I read it on an umbrella somewhere), a time when parking cones and road works blossom in to life whilst the workmen ever wary of the nasty ultra violet rays emitting from the big yellow thing in the sky stay in the van eating their sandwiches, waiting for the passing shadow of a cloud to wonder out and crowd around the hole pointing at nothing in particular.

One thing that did make me smile happen about a week ago in Littlehampton, for some reason they decided to re-seat the manhole covers on the bridge, usual deal, single lane, temporary traffic lights and two very long lines of traffic and to pacify the road users, a yellow sign saying 'delays possible, sorry for any inconvenience' which you only discover when you eventually reach the road works, way to late to take avoiding action. Someone had placed a hand made sign in front with the words . . . 'the man in charge is Mick, his phone number is' . . .

2008-05-24T14:43:00.000+01:00

172)

I make no excuses, little has happened in the bus world that I haven’t already mentioned in the past and I’ve enjoyed the rest if I’m honest but perhaps it’s time to dust off the keyboard and knock out a few ‘a day in the life of a bus driver’ stuff.

The seaside town of Bognor Regis has always been the butt of jokes along with Littlehampton (insert sound effects of schoolboy giggles) but I have started a personal vendetta to remove Bognor from the map completely (just a large car park would be nice), Locals to the town may have read of an incident recently involving a bus, the local bowls club and a large brick pillar. To add insult to injury, Worthing will now be hosting the famous Birdman competition because we’ve got a bigger one, Pier that is, at least the end didn’t fall off ours!

Back to Bognor. There is a large section of the town that has a Bus Only road right in the middle, leading in to it is a narrow road with two large signs saying ‘Buses and cycles only’. Imagine my delight as I was just about to set off when I saw this car staring down this very road, I held back just enough for the car to pass the half way point, then I set off from the other end coming face to face with the errant car driver, my how I smiled down at him, my how embarrassed he looked and what a long distance he had to reverse.

Free bus passes go national. If you have a bus pass you are now no longer restricted to your home county, you can go ANYWHERE (except Scotland and Wales but who’d want to go there anyway) but there are some drawbacks and Worthing is one of them. Most places in the UK allow travel from 9am, not Worthing, oh no, it’s 9.30 and lump it matey, now here’s the twist, Worthing borders the village of Ferring which is a different time zone (in oh so many ways) and anyone waiting for the bus at 9am can get on, now those living on the ‘wrong side’ have cottoned on to this and of course walk that small distance to cross the border into Ferring, now here’s the rub as they used to say . . . .

There is a difference and it’s written on the passes so we still have to refuse travel to those that have ‘migrated’ because I’m afraid to reveal, many of the drivers can now read and know the difference. We do get a triad of curses and insults and no matter how much we tell the potential passenger that’s it’s the council that decides (you voted for them remember) and not the bus company, please don’t pick on me, I’m just doing my job.

‘I thought this was an every 10 minute service’ said the woman boarding the bus, ‘Yes’ replied I, ‘Well I’ve been waiting for half an hour now’ she retorts, ‘I’m sorry, there has been a bit of a delay due to the road works on the seafront’, She didn’t reply but offered up one of those looks that only women can, one of pure disbelief. Three stops later we join the end of the traffic jam at said road works. 43 minutes later we pass the obstruction (normally a 3 minute journey) and she gets off and I offer up my usual .thank you, have a lovely day’, strangely she didn’t reply.

Whilst on the subject of road works (very popular with drivers at the moment) why oh why do they open up a hole and then leave it for days, no workmen, no vans, nothing. And another thing, they put up the cones and barriers then pile in to the van and sit there having lunch! And just how many times have we seen one guy working and 4 guys watching . . . and another thing I’ve noticed . . . have you seen just how many vehicles are towing a trailer of some kind that has no number plate, or a hand written one or one that’s completely different from the vehicle towing it and often no working lights and in most cases the towing vehicle has the words ‘Highway Maintenance’ in large letters on the back, yep, it’s those guys who dig the bloody holes.

Rant over.

Jimmy (still not dead)

2008-05-16T23:05:00.001+01:00

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated!

2008-03-18T23:56:00.003Z

170) Wish you were here (oh no you don't)

Way way back in 1987 there was a film called 'Wish you were here' starring Emily Lloyd and Tom bell (as opposed to Tinker bell) and it was filmed in my home town of Worthing, and not only that, a fair chunk was in the bus depot (then Southdown Buses) and the Dome cinema next door. I had to buy it of course, not because I'm some sort of bus nut, I'm just plain nosey.

Here's a clip from a bus training film made on the outskirts of London, no connection with the above, it amuses me.
Here

2008-03-08T22:42:00.003Z

169)

Holding a Policeman’s Helmet!!!

04.30: The day started like any other, the earth rotated round to face the sun, gravity remained in place thankfully and the elderly sat on the ends of their beds clutching their free passes waiting for nine o’clock.

Did I really have to get up at this time, oh yes, my bladder confirmed that it was important and I was on ‘early starts’. Slipping out of my Thomas the Tank Engine PJ’s and in to the bathroom, I started my morning exercise . . . up down, up down, up down, then the other eyelid.

Friday marks the end of the week for most but not for bus drivers, it’s just another day ending in ‘y’. The upside is that I would be Chichester before the rush hour started and on my way back when it was nearly over, by 9.30 I’d be back in Worthing for lunch/breakfast (now known as Lunchfast) and then repeat the same journey once more before clocking off at 14.33.

The second journey proved to be the high-light of the day for I was about to meet a punt and it was a good one, (Punt: the art of pushing a car out of a bus stop without physical contact)

The victim, or should I say ‘ill advised driver’ had parked in the middle of a busy bus stop disregarding the free space at each end. I drove in and lined up with the waiting passengers which placed me nose to nose with the naughty car, but what was this I see, a disabled badge, does this allow them to park in bus stops, no of course not, they get a little booklet telling them just where they can park and so they know better than most.

Passengers loaded I beeped my horn. The car only had one occupant, the passenger, the driver was not present (unless invisibility is a disability) however I suspected that it was the passenger that was disabled, she was of a rotund nature and had her own gravitational field.

Securing the bus (a brick on a length of string out of the window and a sign saying ‘closed’) I approached the car’ ‘is the driver around’ I asked instantly regretting the word ‘around’ as in spherical. She jerked her head backwards indicating the taxi office behind, off I trotted to make further enquiries for said driver but found no joy.

Back on the street I stood beside the car looking up and down the street, I was going to milk this for all of it’s worth. As luck would have it a police officer walked passed, completely oblivious of me, a badly placed car and a great big bus that had now been blocked in behind by yet another illegally parked car.

‘Officer’ I called out, I had ensured a reasonable distance had been made between me and the policeman so I had to say it out loud and even than I had to say it twice before he stopped and turned, I pointed to the car and the bus, he summed up the situation and approached the car, the passenger could offer no assistance as to the whereabouts of her spouse so he told her that he would move the car backwards to allow the bus to continue it’s journey which she permitted. One problem arose here for the nice policeman had a pointy helmet and the car had no sunroof to accommodate it and so he asked me to hold it for him (hence the title of this page).

Job done I reluctantly handed back his helmet (I noted that his head didn’t come to a point) and boarded the bus and apologised to the passenger for the ‘slight delay’ and added ‘we won’, they loved it, there’s nothing like a bit of street theatre to entertain.

The police officer informed me he would remain to speak to the driver, how I wished I could have stayed.

Note: next day, same bus stop, traffic warden on patrol.

2008-02-27T20:37:00.003Z

168) Just another day.

Youth gets on bus
‘Chichester’ in a monosyllabic tone says youth.
Nice driver issues ticket and asks for money
Youth then informs driver ‘child fare’
Nice driver cancels ticket, re-issues a child fare ticket
Youth then informs driver ‘return’
Nice driver cancels ticket and issues Chichester Child single.

Woman gets on bus, smiles at driver
Nice driver returns smile
Woman remains smiling at driver
Nice driver starts to feel he’s being visually mugged
Woman still smiling
Nice driver gives up and asks ‘would you like to travel somewhere’
Woman realises she has to communicate orally.

Elderly woman gets on bus, shows driver her pass and asks
‘Can I use this to travel to Bognor Regis’
Nice driver informs her that it would be better to use the bus as her
pass doesn’t seem to have any wheels.

Woman gets on bus with an American accent (it was in a box under her arm)
Nice driver says ‘lovely accent, where are you from’
Woman replies ‘America’
‘Oh, what part’ asks driver
‘All of me’ replies woman.

2008-02-26T00:26:00.003Z

167) A picture is worth a thousand words.

This is Lt Colonel Tex Pemberton, the West Sussex County Council Cabinet Member responsible for Transport & Highways standing in the right place at the wrong time.
(I’m not laughing, honest).

Sunday Bloody Sunday:

You’d think Sunday would be an easy shift, well I did for a while until I tried to squeeze passed the repentors cars stacked up outside the churches, Christians they may be, law abiders their not! Perhaps the church had a special offer on that Sunday, Two sins for the price of one.

A Bit of a Moan:

The evening ended well I though, Worthing was the end of the line and the end of my shift, as I drove in to South Street I discovered a car just pulling in to the bus stop outside KFC, I beeped my horn, they got out, looked at me and walked off in to KFC, I parked my bus across the front of it. It wasn’t so much that they were in the way, illegally parked or just pig ignorant but to add insult to injury they had entered a pedestrian only area, no cars permitted, now I needed an excuse to sit there for a few minutes and hope one of our super efficient wardens to appear . . . my excuse arrived.

The next stop would be the depot and so I used the time to gather my things together, shark repellent, spear gun, CS spray and had just finished mopping up the blood off the floor when a woman entered the bus, normally I would have just told her the bus had ended it’s journey but I decided to listen to her first, It turned out to be a general ticket enquiry which ended in a happy conclusion. As she exited I stepped of the bus to see if the car was still there, as I did some bloke stepped on, walked up the back of the bus and sat down.

‘Can I be of any assistance Sir’ I asked knowing full well I couldn’t, ‘Brighton’ came the reply, he hardly even looked in my direction, ‘Ah, could be problem there Sir’, suddenly I had his full attention. ‘This bus has finished for the night . . . ‘(slight pause) ‘this is it’s final destination’ and I wanted to add ‘It precedes no more’ in Monty Python this parrot is dead type of voice. ‘What’, came the reply, now did he mean Watt as in James Watt the inventor of the second condensing chamber on a steam engine or ‘What’ as in Oh bugger, I suspected the latter.

‘It is Sunday sir with a reduced service and we bus drivers like to get a head start on sinning for bulk redemption on a Sunday morning . . . . . Sir’, entered my mind but remained unspoken. ‘You might be able to catch a Brighton and Hove bus on the seafront in a couple of hours but I’m not 100% sure if they run on a Sunday’ I said in my special - I’m trying to be helpful but in a begrudging type of way – voice.

He got off and so did I only to find the blocked in car had gone, I missed my chance to glare at them.

2008-02-13T22:21:00.001Z

166 )What, no picture?

Today as I strolled around Chichester bus station looking for somewhere to hide I realised that it smelt like summer. The sun was shining (it had permission) the sky was blue (in several places) and young ladies were showing more cleavage than cloth. The summer smell? Turns out the café had its windows open.

The bus station opened in 1956 to the rapturous applause of no-one in particular, it had been built over the old police station and rumour has it that the old underground cells are still there and retired drivers are stacked up inside sedated with Cliff Richards singing ‘Summer Holiday’ accompanied by Reg Varney tinkling the ivories (don’t ask).

Had another drunk on the bus the other day, well almost. As the passengers got on one chap leaned over (I thought he was going to kiss me for a moment) and whispered. . ‘You don’t want to let that bloke on mate’. Now normally drunks aren’t much of a problem, I charge them £20 and they seem quite happy when I tell them the bars at the back, just open the little door there marked ‘emergency Exit’, but this one was different.

‘Where do you want to go to sir’ I asked hoping I could tell him this was the wrong bus but no, he knew where he was going and waved his free pass at me. ‘I,m sorry sir but I don’t think I should allow you to travel on this bus’, ‘I’m not getting off’. He replied. He had placed himself on the front platform and was leaning on the open door, I was tempted to close the doors but remembered that rather than force him out they would force him in.

Now the battle of wills began, I knew all eyes were upon me, the passengers all had faces that showed concern and they were in agreement with me but they wanted a show, where else could you be entertained for just £1.25. As I climbed out of the driving seat I glanced at the passengers and to a man they looked away and took great interest in the posters on the bus, I could faintly hear the opening bars of ‘The Good the Bad and The Ugly’ playing in the wind.

‘If you don’t get of my bus I’m going to . . . . . . look a right idiot’ was the thought going through my mind. ’I’m sorry sir but I consider you to be a risk to the bus, it’s passengers and to yourself and for that reason I must insist you leave the bus’ I said in my best authoritive tone. ‘No’ was the simple reply. I did have an ace up my sleeve but I was saving that for a game of poker later.

I stepped of the bus (I had turned the engine off just in case he got a silly idea) and phoned the depot for advice, they suggested calling the police. ‘I’m going to have to call the police and have you removed’ I informed him waving my mobile phone around pretending it was a light sabre like in Star Wars, I was even doing the sound effects!

He got off.

I got on the bus, apologised to the passengers for the delay and drove off in to the sunset (Sainsbury’s actually), I kept a straight face but the sense of relief was massive, one passenger complimented me on my handling of the situation. My fear was that this man would fall over on someone or just throw up, both would put the bus out of commission and ruin my day. Now is the time to say a big thank you to the unsung heroes in the bus depots, the cleaners, I’ve seen what they have had to deal with and it isn’t pretty.

2008-02-12T01:11:00.000Z

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible!

2008-01-23T01:33:00.001Z

164) Now is the winter of our discotheque (darn spell checker)

Readers of the Daily Mail on the 22^nd of January would have noticed an article entitled “How to get on a bus – the idiots guide to traveling from A to B” on page 35, it’s a parody of a guide published by stagecoach for those that have never used a bus before.

http://www.stagecoachbus.com/usingthebus.html

I’ve decided to add to it . . . .

First and foremost it is important to recognise a bus, unlike taxi’s they don’t have the word BUS written on the front, if you find yourself traveling and see the word TESCO upside-down then chances are your in a shopping trolley, try again.

If you see a queue of people – join it, there may be a bus at the end. Buses do NOT have blue flashing lights, if it has a red light on one side and a green light on the other then you’re on a ship. The best place to find a bus is amongst a crowd of elderly people holding special green cards, buses are attracted to these cards.

A bus makes a putshuuuush noise when it stops, so do lorries, if you have to raise your leg over waist height to get on and the drivers wearing a checked shirt it’s a lorry, say sorry and admire his Yorkie bar for a moment before departing.

Buses have an illuminated sign at the front, this is its destination, ‘Sorry – not in service’ is NOT a destination, it means the driver is very shy and finds it hard to mix with people.

When a bus pulls up, wait for it to stop before trying to get on otherwise you’ll get a nasty friction burn on your face. After a short period the doors will open.

The driver will be the person usually sitting at the front holding the steering wheel, if there is no steering wheel your on a train.

When you get on tell the driver where you want to go, just the name of the town or area is enough, saying things like “23 Lofthouse Road” will result in the driver pointing to a taxi. Bus drivers are highly trained but mind reading is a skill yet to be acquired so don’t forget to move your mouth when talking to him/her

There are two basic types of tickets, single or return, you can be married and still buy a single ticket. If you ask for a return ticket the driver will ask “where to”, do not answer – “back here of course” because it’s an old joke that’s wearing very thin.

There have been many advances in technology in the last few years and most buses are now fitted with seats (except school buses which have cages) make your way down the bus to allow other people to get on. If you find yourself back outside then you’ve gone too far.

After a while the doors will close and the bus start to move forward (most of the time) do not panic and try not to shout out “Oh my god, we’re all going to die” as it can unsettle the other passengers. You are permitted to shout “Weeeeeeeeee” if the bus goes down a hill. When you get to the area you want, or just want to get off to pick some flowers press the red button situated on the many metal posts holding the roof up, JUST ONCE. Do not try to climb out of the windows but wait until comes to a halt (this is when the scenery outside stops moving) the nice driver will open the doors for you, thank the driver and give him any gold coloured coins you may have for safe-keeping. Tea and biscuits are not served on a bus.

Many first time passengers find the excitement too much and forget to keep breathing and fall over, all bus drivers are trained in dragging limp bodies off a bus. Bus tickets can help as part of a calorie controlled diet but it does make it difficult should the inspector get on.

We look forward to driving to meeting you.

ADDITIONAL: The Daily Mail as well as Meridian TV have made light of the Stagecoach Guide to using a bus but you might be surprised at the number of 'newbies' that have no idea how the system works, there are people out there who don't even know how to boil an egg. I bet the presenter of the TV clip had to be instructed! TV clip here, it's filmed at my local depot in Worthing. (and I wasn't asked)

2008-01-21T19:17:00.001Z

163) I've written some words.

Mr Leg-End is a pain in the bum!

I’ve lost count how many times I’ve stopped at an empty bus stop at night because this bloody poster is on display, do I like Will Smith or something – not exactly, it’s just that from a distance it looks like someone is waiting for a bus – so I pull in and there he is, all smug and laughing at me.

Down and outs in suburbia

We’ve all seen them, slumped in alleyways, propping up telephone boxes, lying forlornly in hedgerows across the country, desolate, unloved, needy, stripped of their past and no future to look forward to . . . no, I’m not talking of tramps and wino’s, I’m talking about discarded Christmas trees.

The Drunk

Couldn’t believe I actually got away with this one . . .
It was dark, I slide the bus up to the bus stop hoping the swaying punter standing there didn’t see me, to add to the illusion I whistled tunelessly trying to imitate an ice cream van. He lurched in my direction like a puppet with half the strings cut. He raised a leg up to climb the step – I lowered the step at the same speed he put his foot down hoping for an amusing incident and failed.

“Where would you like to go sir” I asked adding a slight Italian accent just in case the Ice Cream rouse was working and he asked for a ‘Mr whippy with chocolate chips’.

“I’d like to go home pleeeese” he answered with a smile

I paused momentarily . . . “Well here we are sir”

He turned on the spot and stepped off. . “Cheers mate” he said and wondered in a general ‘away’ direction. I closed the doors and joined the traffic, had it really been that easy, yes.

Magnetic qualities of bus stop poles.

The council owns the bus stops, they paint the big yellow box with the word BUS STOP in stretched lettering on the tarmac, they make it 40 foot on length to fit a bus in, with me so far . . . good, I shall continue. Where do they often stick the post – at the very beginning, where do people queue up, at the post, where’s the doors on a bus – at the other end, we call it the front.

There are a couple of places I know that have these cute little wooden huts for the bus using populace to gather in when the weathers being particularly British.

These little ‘love cottages’ (I was a teenager once!) are often set back from the road but in the ones I’m thinking of they’re actually amongst the trees, often on a curve in the road and of course – not a window in sight, insulated from the weather and passing traffic the only time they know a bus is around is when it passes – they run out and wave – I’ve seen them in the mirror, bless.

I’ve tried to think of ways to improve them so the driver knows that someone is in need of the services of a rapid transport system (alright – a bus), perhaps a light on the top of the bus stop sign that goes on when someone’s inside but that would upset the heavy petting teenage population at night, or perhaps a signal system like the railways use but some of our ‘simpler’ population would end up queuing on the railway itself, or you could of course move the hut a little closer and cut a window out – preferably on the side that the bus approaches from!

2008-01-20T22:27:00.001Z

162)

Went down to the beach this morning looking for a bit of drift-wood, guess what I found!

Pictures here (sorry, no buses)

2008-01-19T11:14:00.000Z

I shall put something up this week-end
(and possibly put a blog entry too)

2007-12-12T17:11:00.001Z

Caution – low flying bus

No, it’s not Eddie Kid jumping cars in a Double Decker bus unfortunately, just one being jacked up to have it’s suspension attended to, shame.

It’s been an uneventful week so far, I did think that I had developed the Black Death Plague for a while but it turned out to be a sultana stuck on my arm.

There’s been a change to our routes which means that as drivers we no longer go all the way to Portsmouth any more, the bus still does but we don’t, this means a change over in Chichester so I get a new rest room to explore and a coffee machine to play with. Button One = Coffee, Button Two = coffee with cup.

‘Do you go to Arundel Castle driver?’
‘I’m sorry no; we can’t fit the bus under the Portcullis’

Christmas is just around the corner and the goose is getting fat, which is a shame as we all tend to eat turkey these days. Bognor Regis has dusted off it’s coloured light bulb in readiness for the festive season and has placed homeless people on every street corner should you feel the need to adopt one over the festive period, I’m given to understand a mince pie is to be included.

Remember this is a time for giving, and the right change is a good place to start.

There will be no bus service on Christmas day (can’t fit them in the church) and an invisible one on Boxing Day so I wouldn’t bother to leave the house if I were you.

Normal service will be resumed on the 27^th of December assuming the mixture of drunks and reindeer droppings have been swept up (you do still believe don’t you?)

Yes I am being a bit flippant I know, Christmas has become so plastic and tacky now, driven by commercialism and corporate greed, we all know it’s just the run up to a New Years Sales Drive, the true spirit of Christmas is in people not objects, so give your neighbour a hug . . . and that cheap aftershave your in-law brought you.

On the subject of giving, I gave myself an early present, being a bit of a beer fan with a leaning towards real ale (for ‘leaning’ read ‘falling over’) I purchased a Home Brew kit to play with, 40 Pints of porter should be ready in the New Year which will make me a very happy bunny indeed. You can follow it’s development here in Jimmy’s beer diary 'Can I Brew it'. Comments and Home Brew stories welcome, we may even tell them on the weekly Beer Show on Vobes.com

Direct link to audio files at http://www.vobes.com/shows.html

Cheers.

2007-12-09T17:23:00.000Z

Seeing in believing!

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/958929/the_best_bus_driver_in_the_world/

2007-11-27T11:49:00.000Z

Can’t win

Approaching a bus stop in stealth mode (Lights off and the word ‘Taxi’ written on a piece of card in the window) when I saw people at a bus stop trying to get my attention so I pulled in (first mistake.) At the back for the small crowd was . . . a motorised wheelchair.

Being the thoughtful driver I am I slid the bus up to the raised kerb perfectly (tiny curves of aluminium peeling off the step edge – it was that perfect) and lowered the front suspension with a satisfying shhhhhhhhhhhh.

‘I need the ramp down’ said the motorised wheelchair, ‘I think you’ll find it’s perfectly level’ I smiled . . . ‘I need the ramp down’, ‘you can do that, and he’s got it just right said a bystander’, ‘I need the ramp down’. Needless to say I got the ramp out, I had to move the bus forward to clear the bus stop sign, raise the suspension, put it in neutral, turn the engine off, climb out, unfold the ramp and stand behind her as she buzzed up.

I don’t mind doing the ramp, in most cases wheelchair users are very adept at getting on and off with no help whatsoever but when the local council spend thousands of pounds building raised kerbs and the bus company spend millions getting ‘low floor buses’ and the two meet in the middle perfectly it does annoy me when someone insists on using something that isn’t required, in fact it made it worse, but the customer is always right of course. Funny how she didn’t need the ramp to get off!

New hobby: Punting

No, not floating idyllically down an Oxford river wearing a straw boater and blazer with my pole in my hand . . . but the art of pushing vehicles out of bus stops. In a normal day (insert maniacal laughter) I’ll meet at least two ‘punts’ parked up blocking bus stops.

My usually technique is pull up right behind them and honk them out of the way, the waiting customers love this especially those that have to stand in the road to be seen. The other technique is the ‘Punt Block’ this is where the bus is driven across the front of the vehicle at an angle, this emphasises just how much they are in the way, the back end of the bus will still be out in the road but the cars behind can clearly see that I can’t get in to the bus stop.

The last technique is parallel parking where you can only park up level but still in the road, this of course blocks the road completely, it prevents the ‘Punt’ from driving off or in many cases even getting back in their car.

The sad thing about these punts is they are nearly always mature drivers, not yobs or boy racers but Mr and Mrs Average who can’t be bothered to park properly to post a letter or go to a cash machine. Are they doing any harm, well yes they are, it forces passengers to walk out in the road, causes problems for any ‘wheeled’ objects to enter the bus, makes a problem for the less able if we can’t draw up to the kerb and of course it’s a Traffic Offence. Out of interest I looked up satellite pictures of my favourite ‘punting’ spot, the post office in Havant, and every picture has a car at the bus stop (Here)

Loony on the loose

Always a worry this, you pull up to an empty bus stop at night with five minutes waiting time to kill and so I start my 1000 piece jigsaw on the steering wheel when out of the corner of your eye you spot the potential loony running across the road towards you . . .
‘Are you Jimmy’ he asks (I was thankful I wore my rubber underwear with the elasticized legs holes) . . . ‘er . . . yes’ I replied fearful of a thumping, ‘I’m Musings of a Brighton Bus Driver’ he reveals (http://k666blog.blogspot.com), the sense of relief was immediate as we shook hands. It’s always a strange feeling when you meet someone you know of as a fellow blogger in the same industry. Our conversation was unfortunately brief as all bus drivers conversations often are, and of course we all wonder what the others are like in ‘real life’.

2007-11-15T17:19:00.000Z

157) This week

Three in one day:

‘A written ticket to own’ said the Indian woman when I asked her for the destination. Hmm thought I, perhaps she was just visiting our country and wanted a bus ticket signed by me to show off to her family back in New Delhi. After we both threw the phrase around for a while we eventfully settled for ‘A return ticket to town’.

‘I don’t know what the roads called but there’s a dentist on the corner’ said the elderly gentleman, well this narrowed it down a bit. I started to name a couple of near by bus stops ‘No, that’s too far’ he said, ‘Would you recognise it if you saw it’ I asked, ‘Oh yes, there’s a dentist on the corner’. Getting the feeling I had jumped in to a Monty Python script I had to break the chain that was forming, after all, dementia may be catching. ‘How about I give you a ticket to the next main bus stop and if you spot it on the way just ring the bell’ I said . . . . hopefully. His mouth opened to speak (or it could have just been the weight of his bottom denture) but I managed to run off a concessionary ticket and hand it to him and in the same movement addressed the customer waiting behind him breaking his monopoly on me.

(It was two stops along, one stop before the main one I had ticketed him for and there was a tiny brass plate on the gate of the corner house declaring . . . Dentist)

‘Tesco’s supermarket please’ asked the young man (anyone under the age of 40 is young to me) ‘Is there a Tesco’s in Bognor?’ I enquired of him, not having seen one, ‘oh yes, I’ve been there by car’ he said. Well I have to admit that I don’t pass one on route and the biggest clue was that I’ve not noticed any customers in Bognor with Tesco’s carrier bags, I was doubting his words but couldn’t say that out loud of course.

‘It’s by the big roundabout’ he added helpfully. My mind started to run through the route ahead from where I was parked in Bognor high street, hmm, the next big roundabout is in Littlehampton and there was a big Tesco’s there for sure. ‘Do you mean Littlehampton’ I dared to ask. ‘No, it’s defiantly in Bognor’ he added, then he dropped the clue I needed, ‘It’s near Bersted’ ‘Ah’, I said rolling my eyes upward ‘you want a bus going the other way, this one’s heading for Littlehampton not Bersted, perhaps a local one would be better’ I verbally underlined the ‘Local’ bit. I looked it up when I got home just to see for myself just where it was, I would have to be standing on the roof of a Double Decker with binoculars to spot it.

Sholley: (Shopping Trolley)

I think I speak for most bus drivers when I say that the sight of these four by four pensioner specials (example picture at top of page) makes you curse the day the wheel was invented (and where would we have been if someone hadn’t invented the axle I ask you). Lets look at the plus points shall we . . . . . that didn’t take long did it.

They have three times the capacity of the much smaller two wheeled version, if they were to fill one up (which they don’t) they wouldn’t be able to move it let alone get one on a bus. Unlike the soft bodied two wheeler these have a skin scrapping metal cage surround resembling an over sized waste paper basket. The four wheels are fixed, as in, they don’t steer . . . at all, but worst of all, they don’t fit in the bus, oh yes they can get them on and then proceed to park them in the wheelchair/baby buggy space. I’m not sure what to do if a wheelchair or large buggy were to try and board the bus, do I refuse a human to travel because there’s some shopping in the way, or get them to move them out and block the aisles which is a big no no. Answers on a postcard please! (Ok, use the comments box then)

2007-11-05T02:22:00.000Z

156) OK, I've written some more stuff.

Making a pass

‘I’m sorry, your pass is out of date’ says the kindly bus driver (Me)
'Oh, what can I do?’ asks the perplexed woman
‘Apply to the council for a new one, meanwhile you’ll have to pay for your ticket’ I’m afraid’ answers the Adonis like driver (Shut up, I can dream)

Flicking back my golden locks in slow motion like the bird on the shampoo advert I slide it out . . . . The old pass that is, and what does it reveal, yet another pass underneath and yet another, and another, in fact six of the things going back to 2001, and low and behold . . . a new one!

I look at her with my blue eyes (that bits true), raising an eyebrow in a quizzical fashion (Roger Moore, you’d be proud of me). She looks at me and goes a bit weak (I have that effect) and releases a small giggle (we are allowed to carry small animals on the buses, mice, rabbits, dogs, children) ‘Oh, is that the new one then’ she asks. ‘Yes I smile, where would you like to go?’, bless her.

Acronyms used by bus drivers

OFA: Over-Friendly Alcoholic.
Found loitering around bus shelters, rarely seen in daylight, often surrounded by a blue haze. Generally not dangerous but try not to breathe in. Avoid any physical contact even if they insist on shaking your hand and telling you how much they love you.

FOB: Fragile Old Bird/Bloke
Deceptive this one, often has small wheeled shopping basket in tow, makes a considerable effort to get on the bus but can lift the shopping basket on with one hand, will often ask to go to the place they have just got on at then slap your arm and say ‘silly me, what am I thinking’ Usually harmless but can be armed with a range of boiled sweets and a walking stick which will fall to the floor at least once during the journey. Can take a while to select a suitable seat.

TSP: Two Stick Pensioner
As above plus – Considerably fragile, can get entangled with the hand rails, will drop walking stick whilst looking for their free pass. Always wait until they have sat down and fallen asleep before moving off. On exit wait until they have moved away from the doors as the draught from them closing can knock them over.

BIFF: Bloke in Flip-Flops
Old Hippy

DOUBLE H: Harried Housewife
Not found at bus shelters but rather running towards one, often with carrier bags in both hands. Whilst she puts down the bags and is searching for her purse, ‘It’s here somewhere, I know it’ Make sure to quickly hand her the ticket before she picks up the bags again.

GOG: Go on, Guess
Fairly common, will board the bus and show pass but not actually speak or acknowledge your kindly welcome. Will assume you are related to Uri Geller and know where they are going.

TRD: Ticket Roll Destroyer
Just has the knack of pulling most of the ticket roll out of the machine. Has been known in one instance to have actually walked the length of the bus before it eventually snapped.

NP: No problems
Customers have the right money, use the correct pass at the right time, will return your welcome, will sit in the nearest seats and press the stop button in plenty of time. Usually happens in months ending in a p. Great caution must be shown by the driver to avoid any pigs that may try and use the roadway to land.

And . . . . (just had to add this donation from 'Charles')

LOUT Loud Obnoxious Urban Teen. Easily distinguishable by the tinny buzzing of their ear buds being played at a level guaranteed to turn their brains to jelly. They usually yell to make sure you can hear them above the music. (the term "music" is used very loosely) Often oblivious to their surroundings and tend towards outbursts of off key singing and air guitar.

All the above are of course figments of my imagination.

2007-10-11T02:07:00.000+01:00

154) STUFF

WHAT!

‘A Concessionary Day-rider Gold please’ asked the nice gentleman, I replied with a ‘!’ which is a raised eyebrow for those that know me. Somehow this bloke had managed to create a new ticket from three other known types, the Concessionary, the Day-Rider and the Adult gold, I love it when this happens, you have to turn detective. A polite enquirey as to how much it had cost him last time and I ran through the ticket options until I found a matching price (a Day-Rider Plus) and he was happy (what happened to the other six dwarfs I don’t know).

SIT DOWN AND STAY DOWN

As I pull in to a bus stop to let customers off (after I’ve had enough of their screaming) it’s common practice to glance at the internal mirror the see them raise out of their seats ready to leave, my mind makes a mental note of how many are leaving and I do a bit of knitting whilst I wait – but wait, I saw at least half a dozen (6 pre-metric) get up but only two have passed me on the way out, a look in the mirror reveals all are sitting down. It turns out that the general public in confined spaces like to play musical chairs, bless ‘em.

WHY DON’T I KNOW

Might have mentioned this before, Pulled up at Havant Bus Station and a gentleman gets on and asks of the National Express Coach stops here (you know the ones, them that fall over a lot), I tell him that they stop at this very stop, he then asks what time it’s due in as there are no printed time tables displayed, I apologise and inform him that I am unaware of the times, he tells me ‘what a fat lot of good you are’ and walks away before I can tell him it’s a different company and I don’t work for them.

ACRONIMS

OFA: Over friendly Alcoholic
A classic ‘just left the pub’ male who will at the drop of a hat tell you their life story, Phrases to avoid when they get on the bus are, Hello, How are you, Where to.

YK-WIG-SCHOOL CHILD: You know where I'm going - Child version
School child gets on the bus and asks for a place only they know, such as ‘Alf’s’ or ‘The Traffic Lights’.

D AND C: dazed and confused
Gets on the bus thinking it’s the Mobile Library.

JR: Just rude
Person who barges on the bus making it difficult for the other customers to get off.

SOL: Sweet Old Lady
Will give you a sweet on leaving the bus. So far I’ve had boiled sweets, a plum, a pork pie, packet of crisps and a small box of chocolates. ( I have declined one offer of being their ‘toy boy’)

2007-09-12T23:39:00.000+01:00

153) It's been a funny day . . .

It started like every other day, the earth rotates, the sun shines past bits of old Apollo rocket engines, gently illuminating the haze over the sewage works, oh if only constable were alive today, what a picture he’d paint.
(assuming you tied a paintbrush to a skeletal finger)

Expecting the usual run-of-the-mill stuff I got excited when I approached Worthing on my return from Portsmouth to see a little old lady flanked by police officers waiting at the bus stop. My mind was racing ahead, had she been dealing in Black Market moth balls, perhaps a stolen recipe for a Victorian sponge but alas it was just a coincidence, pity.

As I closed in on a bus stop known locally as Wallace Avenue (assumingly Gromit Lane was around the corner) a lady ‘of a certain age’ pulled in to the bus stop from the opposite side of the road, I honked my horn and mouthed the words – ‘You can’t park there – or words of a similar meaning, she choose to ignore me. I opened the door, the nice policeman got off and spoke to the lady who got quite animated, he explained the simple ‘you just can’t stop in a bus stop’ rule in some detail and on his return to the bus informed me that some ‘action’ would be taken and closed his note book, I thanked him for taking some action on this all to common problem and then asked him if he wanted to also speak to the driver of the car behind that had just pulled in stopping the bus behind that from entering the bus stop, off he went bless him, the car driver on seeing the nice policeman decided to leave. My day was looking up.

A little later on, a different bus and route took me to Sainbury’s car park, well almost, as I came up the access road a blur of grey with a touch of blue rinse shoot across the front of the bus and buried itself in to the bushes at the side of the road, oh, and a tree.

Some very frail old lady had decided to cut a new road rather than follow the accustomed tarmac route. I stopped the bus, hazards flashing, engine off and went off to see if I could interest her in some life insurance (she was alright, shaken and confused but OK).

We left her in the car until a small fire started at the front (and not the large blazing inferno it will become each time I re-tell the story), She was removed from the car and as luck would have it, two fire engines were in the car park on some promotional work (handing out matches to children) and one came over and the professionals took over.

I directed traffic until the ambulance turned up and then buggered off.

On my return to the depot, brimming over with wanting to relate the story, the controllers already knew, how annoying is that . . . he he. The police had contacted them because the bus I was driving has cameras all over it and the whole scene caught on tape or hard drive, I just hope they don’t see the bit where I’m going through her pockets. (joking), (honest).

To round off the day I was required to see the boss on an unrelated event. It would appear that there are things called ‘mystery shoppers’ who go around checking things like, say, what bus drivers are like whilst posing as a passenger . . . oh dear, I’m for it I can tell.

It turns out I was caught on a good day and did well enough to be thanked for it. (money would have been nice), no seriously, just being thanked can make a big difference, just this very morning, the first three passengers that boarded were greeted with a ‘Good morning’ by me and received not a word of reply, just a weekly pass shoved at me.

Yes, it’s funny day.

2007-09-09T15:06:00.000+01:00

152) You made me late

I witnessed something the other day that did annoy me and so it’s time for a rant.

I was sat outside at the bus station in Havant with my colouring book minding my own business when a number 23 pulled in to the stop. At Havant buses come in nose first and have to reverse out.

The bus stopped (always a good idea) opened the doors to allow passengers off (will these ideas never end) and others to enter. The bus remained there, mouth open for another 2 or so minutes until it was time to leave, the driver closed the doors (stops people falling out) and engaged reverse gear but had not yet moved, just then a middle aged woman ran up to it and signalled she wanted to get on, the driver ignored her and pulled out.

A bit rude you may think, not so I’m afraid.

The rule is a simple one, once the doors are closed the bus is ‘committed to go’ these are the rules that are drilled in to each driver, they face disciplinary action or even the sack if they break them, and the reason is, passenger safety and courtesy to other road users (who may have stopped to allow the bus out).

What made it worse was she stood there and in a loud voice declared ‘You’ve made me late’.

Strange, the bus left on time, so WHO was late, not the bus but no doubt when she got to work she would relate a story of a rude ignorant bus driver who made her late, not the real fact SHE was late. Ever tried stopping a train once it starts it leave.

On the other side of the coin however, If the driver has not signalled and it is safe to do so, he will generally open the doors, it’s his responsibility and one that’s not taken lightly.

OK, rant over.

2007-09-03T12:44:00.001+01:00

151) Why are you late driver?

Sitting on the promenade watching small children throwing stones at passing mobility scooters may sound the ideal way to pass a summer’s afternoon, and so it should be, this is what summer is all about, but my mind is focused on one thing, where’s the bloody bus.

I’m due to take over a bus coming in from Brighton and take it to Southsea, I have my bucket and spade at the ready, knotted hanky on my head and ice cream stains down my shirt, I just need a bus.

I spot my old bus driving instructor on the sea front (By old I mean the bus we learnt on was old, not the instructor) ‘Hello Rob, what are you up’ I ask by way of conversation,

‘Doing driving assessments’ he answers, ‘Ah’ say I, forcing a smile whilst inwardly panicking. ‘Where are you off to’ he asks, ‘Portsmouth’ I reply. ‘Oh, I think I’ll stick to something a bit more local’ he says and wanders off to find another victim. Phew, both he and I know he would end up miles away from the depot, his car and his dinner.

Eventually the bus turns up, not the drivers fault (Never known a driver who wanted to be late home), knowing the passion our councils have for digging up roads and installing temporary traffic lights that give equal time to each road, even that side road that nothing comes out of.

After a brief exchange of information and knitting patterns with the driver I set off at last, just 10 minutes down, not to bad, should be able to make that up . . . . Famous last words.

I turn in to town from the sea front and spot another 700 in the distance (a local Littlehampton service) and think, that’s a bit of luck, he’ll be picking up passengers ahead of me and I’ll have a chance to catch up and get back on time, no such luck.

The other bus could only have left the stop I was approaching a minute or two ahead of me but already there was a small crowd gathered, placards in hand declaring ‘We want Jimmy’. (I might have made that last bit up), I pull in and load up just as another bus pulls up in front of me, or more to the point, across the front of me, I’m trapped. This is a common problem in Worthing, four bus stops in one small stretch of road that narrows at each end and six buses trying to use them, we all have the same objective, load up and get the hell out of town, it’s just that people insist we stop rather than slow down and try to jump on!

Now 15 minutes down I eventually trundle off in the general direction of ‘away’. On the outskirts of Worthing is Ferring, a typical cross between a small town and a village, it has many notable features (old people and no taxi’s) but only one of concern for bus drivers, the level crossing.

I’m sat there in line, about six cars in front of me and the other 700 ahead of that, the gates go up, deep joy, then they go down again and yep, I didn’t make it, bugger. Now if I had been a car that would have been no problem, but a double decker bus just isn’t as agile, and at 14 foot tall presents a problem if they start going down whilst I’m half way.

Anyway, I use the time to finish off my colouring book and the gates eventually go up and I’m off again (now 20 minutes late) and we head to Roundstone which has another level crossing, yep the same railway line, I have to go back over it, and the gates are down. Our running board allows us about 9 minutes to get from one crossing to another, a distance that would normal take about 3 minutes but an allowance is made for the crossings of course. Sometimes it works and we have to wait out time down the road to stop us being early but every now and again it all goes to pot.

I eventually get to Littlehampton 20 minutes down in total . . .
“Why are you so late driver” asks the first to board.

I can tell you, it took another 12 minutes to clean up the blood and hide the body.

2007-08-18T21:31:00.000+01:00

Pop goes the weasel (or squirrel)

This is a sad story, if you like cute furry creatures then DO NOT READ THIS (Now you will won’t you, go on, admit it, you’ll be sorry, don’t say I don’t warn you)

OK, nice day, early morning and about halfway along my route to Southsea, just passing through the local villages along the A259 when I see a squirrel in the road ahead of me.

Normally I would slow down a bit to allow it time to run off as they always do, and as I drew closer it did the ‘trapped in the headlights thing’ it started to go one way and then the other but without actually moving from the same spot in the road.

Now with only a few feet to go I saw what the problem was, it’s back end had been run over and effectively pinned it to the ground, it’s head, forearms and upper torso we’re still mobile and scrambling for a direction to go in.

I ran over it.

In the few microseconds I had to think about it I knew it’s time was limited, if I didn’t get it the next car might, I could see it was beyond rescue (you can take a lot in graphically in a second or two). With a minor deviation to my line of travel I ensured the front wheel did what was required.

I won’t explain the sound that followed or the image that went through my mind but it was not pleasant at all. I have to admit that this is not the first time a creature has come to grief with the bus I was driving, the victim before was a pigeon, but a dumb one at that, it was also in the middle of the road, it didn’t move, I drove the bus centrally over it so in theory it could pass under the bus with no harm . . . but it didn’t, it flew up as I went over it, I could hear the thud thud thud as it bounce between the bottom of the bus and the road surface and as I looked in the rear view mirror, a cloud of feathers appeared behind me.

I have a simple philosophy with animals, I don’t kill them unless I intend to eat them, but there are exceptions, but that’s life (ironically)

2007-08-08T10:34:00.000+01:00

149) Gotcha!

Worthing town centre @ 22.40

'Child single to Grand Avenue please'
'I'm sorry, I can't do a child single'
'Oh, whys that'
'Because I can smell alcohol on your breath so you must be 18'
'Oh well, it was worth a try'

(Picture- Just there to embarrass an inspector)

2007-08-07T11:54:00.000+01:00

148) Peeping Tom? (it's a play on words thing)

Well that's it then, my last week off this year, back to work at 2.44pm.

My week off lasted 9 days, wonderful and it's all down to fate. The bus drivers week starts on a SUNDAY which is very weird and after a year I'm still not used to it but . . .

. . . the upside, Five days off plus the normal two week days equals seven days (you can see why I'm a bus driver can't you) plus this week I would normally be back at work on Sunday but I was listed as having Sunday and Monday off which of course adds two more days to the holiday, bliss.

We could not afford to go away except for one day in London visiting the museums which are free and I saw my first 'bendy bus', that must be fun to drive in the city.

2007-08-03T23:50:00.000+01:00

147) Oh, if only!

My thanks to Megabus Blog for finding this picture.
For my American friends (sorry, and Mexican) click the picture to understand what Beachy head is famous for.

2007-07-31T15:39:00.000+01:00

146) OK, here's the rally pictures then . . .

Click here!
Allow time for the pictures to come in to focus, downloaded pictures are better quality
but still only half the size of the originals!

The illusive Inspector Blakey perhaps? Click here
For one moment I actually had you framed up in the viewfinder, so close.

2007-07-31T09:34:00.000+01:00

145) In all innocence I imagine!

My thanks to a special someone who forwarded this unfortunate advertising feature being displayed on the side of some South Coast buses. Gives a new meaning to 'in the Navy'.

Click the picture above to see it in context (and prove I didn't make it up)

Just out of interest, in the larger picture, the flags spell out 'Discover'

2007-07-29T21:29:00.001+01:00

144) Worthing Bus Rally 2007

I am not a geek or an anorak, honest, I drive the things and so I have a natural interest, that’s all there is to it, understand, I do not get excited about photos of buses, I just happen to take 200, and anyway my finger slipped most of the time. . . and . . . and.

Strangely enough, these were the phrases that not only I uttered to anyone who asked, but certain ‘off duty’ bus drivers I know who just happened to be there said the same thing.

And so, the Worthing Bus Rally came to . . . Worthing, which was a bit of luck because that’s what was printed on the posters so it must have been intentional then. There were about 70 buses of all shapes and sizes, and about 50 times as many enthusiasts to go along with it, as each entrant came around the corner it was accompanied by the combined zzzzmmm-click of a thousand camera shutters and a hundred pens scribbling in notebooks, ‘Aww, DFG 510, not seen that since 98, same chassis but up to four body types’, whilst the passing general public limited it down to ‘There’s a red one’.

What did surprise me was the numbers of stalls along the seafront that were selling bus related items and by this I mean model buses, old timetables, black and white photographs, videos, posters and framed prints, there’s a whole support industry behind all this.

And so my conclusion is, as long as these people don’t start writing about it on the internet because then I would worry . . . ah . . . scrap that.

2007-07-21T22:53:00.001+01:00

143) I've been waiting for this to happen and today it did.

I approached Bognor Railway Station and was fortunately driving a bus, just head are some traffic lights with a selection of three colours, red being the most popular as people stop to admire it, and green being the least liked and people drive past it. (Amber is liked by some but comes a close second the green)

Anyway . . . ahead at the lights (red) was a line of cars and I joined on the end of this line, it just happened to be right next to the bus stop and a passenger wanted to get off, now what I enjoyed was that this was a rare moment when I could stop and still be in the line of traffic AND let a passenger off AND not have to indicate that I was going to pull in to the side of the road.

Passenger alighted (got off, not set fire to), doors closed and I sat and waited for the lights to change, meanwhile, one car driver assumed I was at the bus stop (remember I wasn't indicating that) and drove around me to find the gap between me and the car in front was about 3 feet, deep joy, I looked down into the car, the driver now positioned smack in the middle of the road was a tad embarrassed, had they looked as they approached (remember it's on a bend and they can see past me on the inside), I smiled, they avoided looking at me . . . . and then another car tried exactly the same thing.

The lights changed (far to quickly for my liking) and we started to move off, did they (now somewhat humbled with their display of bad driving) wait for me to get out of they way, no, both decided to zoom off and cut across the front of me, I assume to bury in the sand somewhere. Still, I enjoyed it.

2007-07-21T22:05:00.001+01:00

142) Some of the strangest things turn up sometimes!

2007-07-19T11:03:00.000+01:00

141) It's me again.

What possesses me to drive something the size of a small house down a crowded street; these are the thoughts going through my head as I climb back in the cab after a week off. Thank goodness for rubber underwear that’s all I can say.

Wednesday saw me setting off for Brighton which to me is like trying to run from one end of Marks and Spencer’s to the other on a half price sales day. One thing that does amuse me however are the Brighton & Hove buses, they have names.

They are named after famous residents of the city such as Fanny Burney (stop laughing at the back) Virginia Woolf, Rudyard Kipling (he learned to make cakes I think) and many others (link to names list here) We at Worthing are thinking of doing the same thing, so far we’ve come up with, Sleepy, Dopey and grumpy . . . only joking (probably)

The picture today is a subject close to my heart and often the front bumper of the bus. On many occasions I have come around a corner to be confronted with one of these in the road directly in front of me, I can tell you, I’ve almost dropped my knitting, they are of course – mobility scooters and I hate them (almost as much as taxi drivers)

There are two classes of these things, ‘bloody nuisance’ and ‘oh my god’, the former being the restricted 4mph pavement version and the latter the road legal 8mph machine.

So, what do you need to qualify to operate one of these, just two things, you have to be over 14 and have good eyesight (untested) and that’s it. No training, no licence, no tax, no insurance, no medical need (anyone can use them) and no common sense it would appear and amazingly you can use the 8mph version on dual carriageways with cars travelling past at 60mph. moan over.

2007-07-12T19:25:00.001+01:00

140) Back end of a Brighton & Hove bus.

I'm on a week off at the moment and just getting to the stage where I'm getting bored and so I might post soon.

2007-07-04T12:12:00.001+01:00

And the best place to dig a hole . . . Brighton.

Brighton is famous for a lot of things but the latest attraction is the holes, hundreds of ‘em, you did bring your bucket and spade didn’t you?

Special thanks to ‘Big John’ as he likes to be known (except on the weekends when he prefers to be called Mary). I had just set up a bus I had taken over and pulled up to the waiting hoards, sun glinting off their silver hair and the smell of primrose oil filled the air, but as I tried to key in the destination number for the first customer the ticket machine rejected it, I tried again, and again, panic started to raise it’s head. “My apologies ladies and gentlemen, I seem to be having a malfunction”.

It was one of those moments when you scan the crowd for a friendly face and my eye caught sight of John pulling up on the opposite side of the road. Keeping my composure I ran screaming across the road and threw my self on his mercy which fortunately he had already fluffed up for me.

I explained my problems and he recommended some cream to rub on, then I asked him about the ticket machine, he gave a couple of knowledgeable nods (he would normally charge for these) and hopped out of his cab (did I mention he was wearing a bunny costume). He watched me reset the machine and immediately spotted my mistake, a wrong number . . . time to blush I think, one of those silly mistakes that made me feel like I was a fresh faced just passed my test trainee. John smiled and pointed out which direction I should go when I left the stop, just in case. I guess that’s a coffee then.

2007-07-02T11:39:00.001+01:00

138) Caution, happy bus driver spotted! (not me, another)

I'm on spare duty today and perhaps I'll find time to actually write something this week.

2007-06-27T22:18:00.000+01:00

137) Spotted today in Portsmouth on side of lorry

Well its official then, the collective noun for a room full of controllers is a – ‘Thicket’.

2007-06-27T00:06:00.000+01:00

136) just a sample from one day. (today in fact)

“Of course I can change a tenner sir” replied I trying not to burst a blood vessel, I waved goodbye to the last of my change. “Sorry ‘bout that” he says as he goes off to find his seat, “no need to apologise sir, it’s me that the customer will be blaming when I start handing out change vouchers”, lucky I forgot to say it out loud. Honestly, a tenner for such a small fare, I have that sort of loose change down the back of my sofa.

“How much to Chichester return?” asked the man who had not found the word ‘please’ in the dictionary. “£6.10 sir” I replied touching my forelock (My wife likes me to do that). “£6.10” he replies, “That’s too much”; a long pause followed and was joined by another. I’m not quite sure what he expected me to do about it (it was the cheapest option), perhaps I should have made him an offer, say perhaps he could travel free on the roof of the bus or he could run alongside for a while. “£6.10” he said again, “yes sir”, pause number three slides in to place. Whilst he stood there gazing at me I checked of the rest of the customers and begun unwrapping pause number four when he turned and left the bus. I closed the doors happy in the knowledge that he couldn’t find a cheaper option now that uncle toms flying carpet emporium had closed down.

2007-06-21T12:50:00.001+01:00

135) Still here, honest.

Got a little carried away with the garden (most unlike me), I've been experimenting growing stuff that just might be edible in some way. Check out www.canieatit.co.uk or click the picture. Updated as things develop.

Jimmy

2007-06-15T11:42:00.000+01:00

134) Did I mention I hated taxi drivers?

A road runs through the centre of Worthing (north/south) that ends in the traditional shopping precinct, where our beloved shoppers can mingle and chat in peaceful safety – with the slight exception of 300 buses passing by daily.

On the approach as the road narrows there are two ranks of parking, one on each side, one for the disabled in their four by four Chelsea Tractors or red Nissan micra’s that seem compulsory . . . . . . And taxi drivers.

Taxi drivers are human of course and seek the company of other taxi drivers (some sort of herding instinct) to the extent that they will stand in the road chatting to fellow drivers with complete disregard to their own safety as a 8 ton bus, head lights blazing and travelling at a staggering 8mph attempts to squeeze by, getting closer to their bottoms than their favourite brand of toilet paper.

Now I don’t want to tar all taxi drivers with the same brush, there are some good ones who have reasonable road-craft – you may remember the headline in the local paper a few weeks ago . . .

‘Hush falls over Worthing as taxi driver uses turn signal’

. . . . . But these are few and far between, can you remember the last time you saw a bus parked in a taxi rank for example?

On a lighter note, one night as I neared the end of a late shift and was parked on the seafront (not literally) I detected the sound that puts a smile on a bus drivers face, a group of tipsy young ladies fresh from a local club or pub that must have been holding a Vicars and tarts party, were dressed (if that’s the right word) in little more that stockings and suspenders and bosom thrusting Basques.

Unlike a group of drunken lads, tipsy young ladies are not often problematical (today’s long word) and these were no exception but I wasn’t to know that.

I had 3 people on the bus, two elderly and one middle aged and I though, should I close the door to save their blushes in case the passing language was ripe, should I stand in the doorway giving my ‘I’m in charge here – behave yourselves’ look and realised that this would in fact make me a target and so I instead stayed sat down holding up my running board trying to look disinterested, occasionally peeping over the top.

I needn’t have worried they passed by in the cheerful throng that they were except for the last one who paused as she drew level with the door . . .

‘Are you in service tiger . . . . . grrrr’ she said, winked and carried on by.

I took that memory home with me.

2007-06-10T13:45:00.001+01:00

133)

It’s 5 O’clock in the morning as I park my car at the back of the depot, carefully placing it in a position where the seagulls can do the most damage. The sun, like me has barely risen and is casting long shadows across the ground as I stroll in to work.

I say a chirpy ‘mornin’ as I pass the controllers window and it will be returned with either an ‘. . . . mmmmm’ or a ‘Hello Jimmy’ depending who’s on that morning. I dump my bag in the cash room and try to focus on the notice board for new traffic information or local titbits, it’s just five past five and I’ve still not unfolded my face yet and I certainly can’t face a machine made coffee yet.

I notice three still pictures taken from a bus camera of two young, amply endowed ladies boarding a bus, it would appear that one uses her ‘charms’ to distract the driver whilst the other sneaks on behind for a free trip, it a nice variation on the normal ‘storming’ that school children like to specialise in.

Back at the controllers window I press my face against the glass and hoped to not be noticed. ‘Ah Jimmy, here’s your running board, you’ll find the bus in the yard.’ I smile and take it with pretend gratitude.

My day usually starts with a double-decker which narrows down my search of the yard considerably. My start time is officially 05.15 and out on the road by 05.25 but I like get in place by 05.10 to get comfortable and do my ‘First Use Check’.

The general public are totally unaware of what goes on behind the scenes in a bus depot, the beer, drugs and roman style orgies are all figments of my imagination, the reality is crawling over buses looking for faults or bits likely to drop off.

Armed with my defect card I start the inspection and there’s a lot to inspect but I also have a problem. The depot is behind a popular Worthing hotel and the residents get a little annoyed at five in the morning with engines running, horns sounding and bells tinging, can’t think why.

I start the engine, quickly check the lights are working and drive out the yard and park up on the seafront opposite. At just gone five in the morning Worthing seafront is coming to life with council Lorries empting rubbish bins, street sweeping and delivery lorries eager to get to the shops and block the roads first.

Now I have the chance to ring all the bells (yes, every bloody one) which of course don’t work unless the engines running, same with the interior lights, set up the digital style destination display board, enter details of the route in the ticket machine, glance at a passing jogger with pity and get comfy.

It’s now 05.20 and I’m done with five minutes to spare.

So, who in their right mind would need a bus at 05.25 in the morning in Worthing? Well I drive the 700 Coastliner to Portsmouth/Southsea and a surprising amount of people work out of town, I often wonder what they do (they might drive buses of course) These people are often the ‘First In’ they start up the factories and offices, day shifts at hospitals and nursing homes (we have a lot don’t we) and so the bus plays a vital part in waking up the county and putting the kettle on.

2007-06-02T14:58:00.000+01:00

132) What the Dickens!

Driving in to Portsmouth the other morning I couldn’t help but notice a bus shelter marked with the words ‘Birthplace of Charles Dickens’ and I thought to my self, fancy being born in a bus shelter!

Sweet revenge.
I approached the bus stop and my heart did a little leap of joy, for there before me was . . . a taxi. (I would have rubbed my hands together with glee but the shop had sold out) now this stop always has a car parked just before it making it a difficult one to pull in to correctly but I managed to squeeze in with the front of the bus inches from the rear bumper of the taxi.

Passengers loaded I was ready to go when suddenly I notice before me a taxi, my goodness, how did that get there I said to myself leaning on the horn.

The driver stuck his head out of the window (I use the term ‘driver’ in an open context here) ‘Sorry mate, can’t move, I’ve broken down’ he said, ‘Oh dear I said, you’ll have to see me out whilst I reverse then’ I replied which he begrudgingly did. Did I mention it was pouring with rain?

Had a bit of a fright the other day down a country lane (no, don’t get excited, it wasn’t a flasher), I rounded a bend in my ‘Decker’ bus only to see an articulated lorry just about to come out of a side road, now the driver hadn’t approached the junction and slowed but was fully expecting to pull out without stopping, the only reason he did stop was the surprise of seeing a double Decker bearing down on him and the inability he had of steering with one hand whilst he eat a sandwich with the other, I am so pleased our buses are fitted with cameras.

My thanks to anon and Arriva driver on a new advertising campaign launched by a well known bus company, the ‘ad’ features a washing line with items of clothing pegged in place and each item carries a letter, these being M T W T F S S standing for each day of the week (it’s promoting a weekly bus ticket) unfortunately as the ‘ad’ is wrapped around the back end of the bus only W T F is on display on the arse end (technical term) and we all know W F T stands for Where’s The Fish or is it What The F . . . . . . .

On the verge
We have a form that is going around at the moment asking drivers to report if they have to drive over the curb or grass verges at any time and to give the reason why and if that reason is problem parking by residents cars then the council will look in to making some parking restrictions in those areas.

There is one area I know of where the grass verges are totally wreaked and the reason is, the residents themselves park on them and in one case it’s a large tow truck that leaves deep tyre tracks that look identical to those of a bus and we get the blame I think, but the real irony happened the other day when I saw a road maintenance lorry crew fixing a damaged curb whilst their own vehicle was, yes you’ve guessed it, parked with all four wheels on the grass verge opposite.

Interesting BBC report on increase of youth bus crime

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6700567.stm

2007-05-23T12:43:00.000+01:00

131) I'm a EU on AD doing SP!

This week and I'm on AD duty (As Directed) which can often be fun and a nice break from the routine of the norm.

Monday and I was 'Spare' and so from 13.00 to 22.00 I was required to hang around the depot waiting for a driver to go ill, not turn up, lose a bus, get one wedged in a tunnel, get lost or storm in to the office shouting that they've had enough, the customers where being far to nice to him. (The latter may be pure fantasy).

Now many may think this is a bit of a easy number, I know I did but I can assure you that after 30 minutes you soon get bored having read every notice on the wall, (I soon realised that if you need a notice to be read by everyone . . . stick it next to the clock).

An hour later and I've carbon dated the sandwiches in the vending machine, tried all 7 versions of coffee on offer, strolled to the toilet twice (side effect of coffee), tried to corner a seagull in the car park and waved at a passing air plane.

By the forth hour I've split the atom using just a piece of flint and a sponge, learnt how to do the Elastic Band Trick (far more fun), disproved Einstein's theory of evolution, shaved off all my body hair and made a nice tea cosy out of it and written a book (to write a book, get a piece of paper and a pen and write 'A Book' on on it)

Time for a break I thought and scurried off to KFC for some unidentifiable lumps of dried out chicken in a leaky box. (Why do they put more paper towels and lemon fingers wipes in the box than there are pieces of chicken?) I sit in the car to devour my feast whilst having an audience of a lone seagull perched on the bonnet watching me with it's white eyes. I mused for a while why they still have webbed feet, these buggers never go near the water any more.

Tuesday I really looked forward to, my first duty was the number 9, this is a four hour run all over the place but still fairly local and a great test of memory for me, it even calls in at a garden centre.

The run for the afternoon was to Midhurst, a lovely 3 hour drive in the countryside but for one exception, do you recall a previous run in what I would have considered the worst bus in the fleet, yep, I got it again, only it was worst than ever. This bus has a real problem getting up to speed and was driving me totally mad.

I arrived at Midhurst 20 minutes late (OK, a tractor did get in the way but only because it's top speed was the same as mine up hill – 28mph). Fortunately at Midhurst there is normally a ten minute wait before going back, but my running board said half an hour so I had ten minutes to spare.

I was soon to discover why . . . .

as the clock gets to 5 to 3 a flotilla (yes I know that's the wrong word) of buses started to surround me on all sides, coaches, deckers, mini-buses and I started to wonder if this was the place buses came to die (I had my fingers crossed) but alas t was not to be, it was the dreaded School Run . . . . dam, tricked again.

The normally quite bus stop was suddenly transformed to a crowd scene on a hot August day in Trafalgar Square, they swarmed hither and thither like an exploded centipede. 'Golly gosh' I said to myself, or words to that effect. It turned out not to be quite that bad, only about half a dozen were going my way plus a few 'normals'.

On my way back I did discover that even though the bus was an automatic you could use the gears to some extent to give it a better chance up hill before hitting 'drive' and amazingly arrived back in town on time but I do suspect there were more downhill that up on the return journey.

2007-05-21T11:40:00.000+01:00

130) . . And then three come along at once. (no, not buses, BUS STOPS!)

It has amused me for some time now that there is one area on my route that has 3 bus stops very close together, in fact there is a point where you can see all three at once. Welcome to Littlehampton Cemetery Roundabout!

I should hasten to add that it is the council that own and place the bus stops and not the bus companies.

Bus stop one is a new stop that has been placed adjacent to a new housing estate that has recently been built, it has a lovely new shelter complete with a timetable board mounted inside, unfortunately it does not display a bus stop sign, just a small sticker in a window. Before this bus stop came to exist there were (and still are) bus stops each side less than 300 yards away, I wonder just how many thousands of pounds have been spent.
There is of course another one on the oppersite side of the road.

We have a timing point on our running board called 'Littlehampton cemetery/Body shop'
as both bus stops 2 and 3 are against the cemetery wall and in view of the body shop I'm still not sure which is which. (I tend to use stop 3 as it has both a flag and a time table)

should add that the 'Body Shop' is the head quarters of the chain of beauty product outlets and is in no way related to the cemetery itself, despite the urge of a certain person at Chichester who would like to make this link.

2007-05-20T11:48:00.001+01:00

129) Bus Spotters

I knew something was up the moment I rounded the corner in to Havant Bus Station, a camera was pointed in my direction from a small group standing on a corner, I parked up and trotted off to find sustenance of the burger kind from the worst McDonald's I've even been in.

Suitably fed up (in more sense than one) I set off to walk around the block and happened upon the camera happy group from behind, always an advantage I think. I infiltrated their ranks disguised as a human with a small disadvantage, namely a Stagecoach uniform, nonetheless I tried to blend in.

“What do you do with all the picture then” I said trying to make it sound as if it came from anywhere other than where I was actually standing.

“They put them up on the internet” said the small giant standing to my left, “You're Jimmy aren't you?” he said.

“!” said me.

“We saw you come in, it took a moment to recognise you from the web site picture”

“!” replied me again, “ah yes, I was a lot younger then” I managed to say.

Small giant is in fact a fellow driver from a different area and we knew our paths would cross eventually. I chatted for a short while with the bus spotters asking stupid questions such as: 'how the hell can you tell the difference between makes, they all look the same to me'.

A short time later two classic buses pulled in to the station and a crowd of bus enthusiasts boarded for what I can only assume is a special event trip, and here I am, a bus driver and I knew bugger all about it, I must be moving in the wrong circles again

The scene above taken as I pulled in to Southsea, the land mass in the distance being the Isle of Wight.

UPDATE: Discovered that the two classic buses (photo) that turned up at Havant were part of an organised event by the Southdown Enthusiaists Club and kindly loaned by Phil Blair free of charge, what a nice man. Ignore the dates on the bottom of the pictures, cheap digital camera and not read the manual yet.

2007-05-16T10:58:00.000+01:00

128) I overheard someone say there were to many Indians in the country, I never took it seriously until now.

Monday the 14^th was Mufti day, all drivers and staff could dress down or get in to some sort of fancy dress, all for charity I should add, (some really don't need a reason).

Did I join in this event you are thinking, well I have to admit I didn't, so why not? My shift that day was the first bus out at 05.25am and as I got up at 04.30 that morning a dread though crossed my mind, what if I had got the day wrong and turned up as say Joan of Arc only to discover my error with no time to go home and change, I think I needed the reassurance of seeing other drivers dressed up first and that won't happen if I'm the first out.

I made the excuse that I was going to come in to work as a Dalek but had trouble stepping up on to the bus, yes I know they are fitted with ramps but have you ever seen a Dalek bend down to unfold a ramp, plus of course steering would have been a problem, and not to mention finishing each sentence with “EX-TER-MIN-ATE' regardless of how appropriate it may be!

Instead I went dressed as a professional bus driver (no, don't laugh) and enjoyed 'spotting' other drivers. I loved one at Havant dressed as a vicar, I would have finished each sentence with 'bless you' and splashed them with holy water (Avian or Volvic), another chap I meet in the rest room was dressed as a schoolboy complete with stick on scabs and catapult, we should do this more often, I have some of my wife's underwear set aside (joking)

2007-05-13T13:44:00.000+01:00

127) oh!

Saw a taxi indicate yesterday.

2007-05-12T12:56:00.000+01:00

126) Driver Change-over

'Why do you have to change drivers' asks the first person in the line waiting to get on the bus, I've offered several explanations in the past such as,

It's he's turn
I've forgotten the way
I need a wee
I've got to go for a drugs test
I've just seen someone I ran over last week
The nursing home says I have to be back by three
Ken Dod's dads' dog dead

The real reason is of course driving hours, we have to stick to enforced government limits which means a compulsory break after a certain amount of hours on the road and we can't get around it but one customer last week had had enough of driver change over and made a scene.

I arrived at the change over point on the sea front, a small line of customers where waiting and the take-over driver stood waiting with a smile (he had bought it earlier from a local shop), as I pulled in and lined up with the raised kerb I open the door and addressed the waiting throng, 'Just changing drivers, won't keep you a moment', however, any group of women wanting to get on a bus has the capability to storm in like a crowd of startled buffalo and one sprightly woman had reached the cab door before I got to 'drivers'.

'Shoreham' she asked,
'I'm sorry, we have to change drivers here',
'can't you just give me a ticket'
'unfortunately not, I have removed my module and can't issue one now'
'I'll wait here then' she replied.
'I'm sorry, I have to ask you to move off the bus for a moment'
'I'm not moving, I just want a ticket'
'Madam, I can't issue a ticket, we have to change drivers'
'I'm not moving'
'Madam, I can't leave the bus until you move off'
'I'm not moving'
'Madam, I can't open the cab door with you standing there, I can't get out'
(silence)
'Madam, I can't get get out'
(silence)
'Madam, I need to open the cab door'

It took another three attempts to get out of the cab, I resorted to opening the cab door until it rested against her, swivelled in the seat facing her with my bag packed and resting on the steering wheel, she shuffled forward and I slid out, smiled at the other driver (no words were needed) and walked off, the crowd were looking daggers at her, still, it gave them something to talk about on the trip and no doubt loud enough for her to hear.

How to avoid driver change over - get on at the stop before or after!

2007-05-12T04:11:00.000+01:00

125) I'm a bloody idiot (apparently)

As I approached a popular bus stop in Worthing saw this car pictured above at the bus stop, I drew up along side and asked the man standing next to the passenger door . . . .

Me "Is this your car sir"
Driver "Yes"
Me "Are you aware sir that it is an offence to park in a bus stop during the hours of operation"
Driver "I'm a window cleaner"
Me "It's still an offence between 7 am and 7 pm sir"
Driver "Your a bloody idiot"

Now I'm always polite, I make a point of it but there are times when your just banging your head against a brick wall however I think my point was made when another bus came along and blocked him in, I had a minute to wait before I could move off and it's amazing how long a minute can last when your stuck in a car in the wrong place.

2007-05-07T13:43:00.000+01:00

. . . . and the winner is . . . .

#header {
margin: 0;
padding: 25px 60px 35px 160px;
color: #FFFFFF;
background: url(http://homepage.ntlworld.com/halfajob/blog/bloggerheader.jpg) no-repeat bottom center;
}

Well it all seemed to center around where you put your bottom!
I am greatly indebted to Arriva, Liam and anonymous for their guidance and help, cheers guys.

2007-05-07T01:57:00.000+01:00

123) Oh gosh!

There's only one thing that annoys me more than my wife saying 'later' and that's annulled tickets, we all make mistakes no matter how cautiously we guard against them, we're only human (well most bus drivers are, I have doubts about one guy who likes to eat his lunch out of a bowl on the floor!)

Young chap gets on the bus, he's of Afro-Caribbean extraction, I mention this because it does make a difference and I'm crap at impressions, he asks for a ticket to Glynde Avenue, the accent is quite thick and a doubt enters my mind and so I use the standard trick and repeat it back to him . . . 'Glynde Avenue was that' . . . . he repeats it again . . . . Ok sir, One single to GLYNDE AVENUE . . . short pause . . . . I enter the number code, 'That'll be two pounds sir, he hands over the money, I press the issue button finally . . . short pause, 'It's one pound twenty' he informs me, now anyone else would say 'no, that's not the right price' or words to that effect (such as – I'm not paying that) and it would be said as soon as I mention the price which is well before I press the issue button or any money has parted company.

A voice behind him pipes up, 'I think he means Grand Avenue driver' . . . ah, now that makes sense (and is one pound twenty). We deal with may races and accents and we usually get it right in the end but to leave it unquestioned until after the transaction is very very annoying indeed. OK, rant over.

I see my favourite group, Loose Chippings are appearing in Hampshire with two support groups, Caution & Soft Verge.

2007-05-02T12:29:00.000+01:00

122) Aww, you missed me, I'm touched (many have said that!)

For the last couple of weeks I have been heavily involved in another publication (Podcast User Magazine) as I'm the guy who puts the whole thing together, Production Editor I'm called but this months issue is 'put to bed' and so I'm back and rested, lets get on with this bus blog thing.

RECENT: This week I'm AD (As Directed, not Anally Dysfunctional) this means a change from my usual rota and Monday saw me off to Midhurst, a 3 hour there and back drive through some wonderful countryside including Cowdray Park (www.cowdray.co.uk) where Prince Charles likes a chukka (www.cowdraypolo.co.uk) or two which apparently is legal in this country! A smile crossed my face (the shortest route) when I saw Midhurst on my running board that day, it didn't last long.

Now I'm not blaming my employer for this, I would do the same in their position, let me explain. The 700 route goes along the coast, is very popular and is fleeted (if that's a word) by modern double decker buses with the Coastliner logo. Locally within Worthing and district another fleet of modern single decker low floor modern buses transport people to work and shopping throughout the day, this leaves the, shall we say – 'older buses' for less prominent work, yep, Midhurst.

Now, understand, some of these buses are good solid reliable work horses, it's just that their a little sluggish and do things their own way, my bus was no exception. Pressing the accelerator was like plunging your foot in a bucket of treacle, as it started to move forward I found myself also leaning forward in some misguided idea that it would help in some way. As it reached second gear, the man walking in front with the red flag got out of the way and off we went, now, If I could just get out of Worthing without stopping I'd be fine, no such luck.

I'm not sure what the attraction is with the older models but I would swear it attracted the older passenger, many that got on remarked, “Oh I remember this bus . . . . . . during the war! Ok, I've exaggerated a bit. (I didn't say which war).

This particular bus had a strange quirk, as soon as it reached 42mph it started to vibrate at an alarming rate that was similar to driving over corrugated iron sheets (part of the route uses a 60mph duel carriageway) I almost suspected the groves on the tyres were cut across rather than around, several old ladies had a smile on their faces and I didn't want to ask.

I know I upset a few drivers at roundabouts on the way, waiting for a suitable gap and pulling out it just crawled forward, I just looked ahead and whistled to myself. Some kind drivers let me out at bus stops and instantly regretted it, I almost wanted to stop them and ask them to sign a form agreeing that they allowed me out of their own free will and understood the consequences.

Later that day I was on a local route known as the 'Pulse', not 100% sure why it called this, it's a service that runs every 10 minutes and goes past the hospital, there may be a connection here, anyway, coming back in to Worthing from a neighbouring town there had been an accident involving a cyclist and a car at a busy junction, I was directed in to the turning lane and halted behind a police car and asked to wait while they sorted it out, there were 2 ambulances in attendance, the casualty was loaded in to one and his bike in to the other which I found amusing but later wondered if it had been the right thing to do.

BUS GROUPIES: Yes, we have groupies on buses. There are two that I know of who just use the bus to travel around on, they will reach the end of the route, get off and catch another bus back again. There are two schools of thought between us drivers, one is that they are harmless and this is the only way they have to pass their days, the other is that they are abusing their free travel passes, I'll leave you to decide.

NEWS ITEM: There was recently a bit of an uproar in the press a while ago when a wheelchair bound disabled chap (no legs) was asked to prove his disability, read the story here The company involved was First Bus and not Stagecoach I hasten to add but it could easily happen to us.

Everyone who boards a bus must purchase a ticket or show a valid pass to travel (except children under a certain age and dogs) it is not a case of proving your disability. If the inspector gets on and finds someone without a valid ticket or pass it's the drivers who's in deep trouble no matter what the reasoning is.

There are plans afoot to allow children to travel free, it will not mean they can just get on a bus at any time and go anywhere, they will be given a pass to show that individuals entitlement to travel, no ticket, no travel, simple rules really. I personally would keep in mind the consequences of bad publicity and hope my bosses would understand.

OK, enough for today, next time I shall discuss the importance of wicks in candles and how useless slug pellets are (you have to throw them really hard).

2007-04-17T17:07:00.000+01:00

121) Chichester Bus Station early one morning (Sunday)

Passenger - 'Do you know driver, your exactly on time'.

Me – 'I'm sorry sir, it won't happen again'.

start laughter, he thinking I was joking and me knowing I wasn't.

Passenger - 'Why is the bus late driver'

Me – 'sorry, just weight of traffic'

Real reason: stopping at every other stop to allow an 'oldie' off complete with lowering the floor and waiting for them to let go of the hand rail so I can close the door - waiting for new oldies to sit down before they fall down - explaining how they can use their travel card - finding out the time of the bus going back for them - trying not to lose temper when 'oldie' has misplaced travel card and has to pay £3.10 in real money for a change despite them having had over £300 worth of free travel this year -allowing young mothers to secure buggies before moving off - traffic lights - Learner driver stopped in bus stop whilst instructor goes over some finer points of driving - roundabout tail-backs - lorries blocking roads - taxi 'parking' in the middle of the road with hazards on whilst he sets up his GPS Tom Tom device - Coaches at bus stops - Oldie drivers doing 31 in a 40 limit, traffic light controlled road works (workmen strangely absent or reading paper in a van) - street cleaning - passenger asking to go somewhere I've just been (yes, their on the wrong side of the road) - people buying single ticket and then changing their mind after issue - apologising for not hearing the stop bell (because they didn't press it) - trying not to explain why I'm running late as it would make me even later. . . . . . all this comes under . . . 'Sorry, just weight of traffic'

2007-04-06T19:03:00.000+01:00

120)

This just amused me.

"Driver, do you stop at the railway station?" "No Madam. A train does that. This is a bus. It stops at bus stops."

2007-04-04T13:21:00.000+01:00

119) Lady Penelope's poorer sister lives in Worthing by the look of it

Leapfrog.

An interesting item has been brought up by Bus Driver David, here he explains some practices used by some bus drivers.

We have one route that has a bus every 10 minutes, and travels between 3 main areas passing through Worthing town. It is not unusual for a bus to be delayed for some minutes due to an amazing list of things that range from getting a wheel chair up the ramp to a badly parked 14 stone tattooed delivery driver dressed as a fairy (I might have exaggerated a touch), anyway . .

If a bus catches up with the same bus in front (same number - not time travel) it will often leap-frog past it and collect the next customer on the route, this gives the late bus an opportunity to pass the helping bus and catch back a few seconds, now the late bus may see further ahead a small crowd at a distant stop, he will then pull in at the stop before and allow the bus behind (the one on time) to pass again and collect the crowd, hence leap-frog, this often works to a degree, it helps out the late driver and keeps the flow flowing, and the customers are usually unaware but as they as they get there in a reasonable time they are quite happy.

There are instances where the best intentions go a little awry or are misread. One such instance happened to me in the early days, I caught up with the bus in front who was running about nine minutes behind, as he approached a bus stop with a single customer waiting he drove straight passed, The customer was of course irate and had taken to shaking her fist in the air and cursing the driver out loud whilst composing a letter of complaint in her mind. How could I tell all this, easy, In the time it had taken to raise her fist I had pulled up beside her, opened the doors and adapted the 'head at a angle' pose, she stood looking at the bus in the distance, I called out casually 'do you require this bus mad'am?

The look on her face was of utter surprise, she almost physically jumped back (Yes, I had combed my hair that morning), Oh! was uttered . . . . I thought . . . . err . . . !

I explained about the lateness of the other bus and that I was acting as a 'sweeper' and that we only do this if the bus behind is in clear view, quite how she failed to see two identical buses just two bus lengths apart approaching I'm not sure but she was now quite happy and a lot wiser.

We do this things just for you.

2007-04-03T23:34:00.000+01:00

118) If you ever get run over by a bus, this is what you'll see.

It's been a funny week, a bit of this, a bit of that, very little of the other (he he he). I am still seeing people on their mobile phones as they drive, some have taken to cupping their can around the phone so that they think it can't be seen, if only they would realise that moving their mouth is enough to give the game away, gesturing with the other hand is a good clue too.

A driver related a wonderful story to me the other day which I shall tell you about, it will lack the original zest that was told in but you'll get the gist. . . .

Once upon a time, a car driver decided to pull in to a bus stop to complete an important task such as rent a DVD, go to a bank machine or order a pizza (he must have assumed that these tasks placed him above the traffic laws), along came a bus a little bit early, the driver was now required to wait for a couple of minutes at the bus stop that was occupied by the car. We as bus drivers are not permitted to leave a bus stop early (unless it's on fire)

The driver, being a sensible chap parked as close as he could along side the car to cause the least obstruction to the traffic flow . . . . . along came the car driver, 'can you move your bus' asks the car driver, 'not for two minutes replies the bus driver. At this point the car driver decides that he must insist that the driver moves the bus, the driver again politely replies in the negative.

The car driver who we shall now refer to as Mr angry now boards the bus and instructs the driver to 'move' but perhaps not so politely, again the driver declines (the driver is safe in the knowledge he is doing everything right, being polite, informing the driver that he has caused an obstruction by illegally parking at an operational bus stop but most of all, keeping calm)

Mr Angry is now livid with fury and demands the drivers name, the driver declines to give this information (company policy) but informs Mr Angry that he only needs to note the time and place if he wished to complain.

Two minutes had now passed and the driver decided it was time to move on, he informed Mr Angry that he is now leaving, Mr Angry refuses to get off the bus until the driver gives his name . . . . the driver closes the door and moves off, much to the horror of Mr angry.

At the next stop which was empty, the driver opened the doors to allow Mr angry to leave the bus, again Mr Angry was insistent for the drivers name, the driver closed the doors and drove on, Mr Angry now declared that he was being kidnapped (short pause to wipe tears away).

Mr Angry informs the driver that he is gong to phone the police, the driver agrees that this would be a very good idea and he would be more that happy to speak to them. during these turns of events, the driver had stopped at bus stops along the route and opened the doors.

It only takes about four to five minutes to reach the end of the route, the town centre. the driver stops the bus and the passengers alight along with Mr Angry who's vocabulary had declined to just a few one and two syllable words and was faced with a very long walk back to his car. (I wonder if he caught a bus). The driver made a written report of the event but no complaint was received.

It always amazes me that the worst people are respectable middle aged men who if you meet socially would be a fine example of an upright citizen, who would realise that the very same person (a loving husband, father and grandfather) can let loose a triad of abuse at some bus driver whilst breaking the law with their illegal parking . . . it really gets my goat (If I had one) and they know full well what they have done.

Sometimes we carry the odd policeman or woman on the bus (I don't mean they are odd) and I await the day when some mobile phone using taxi driver does a u turn in front of me and gets embedded in the front of the bus . . . deep joy.

On a side note: Cogidubnus, you have been talking about me behind my back havn't you, I found your entry on a BBC Radio Five Pods and Blogs web site. (ok, so it was the end of last year) but thanks for thinking of me matey.

2007-03-25T22:31:00.000+01:00

117) Oops moment!

Whilst I was off a little while ago I heard a mention somewhere that a bus had collided with a bridge, unfortunately I heard no more until, thanks to Paul (The Train Driver) who furnished this information

From the Argus newspaper:
A bus driver was left shaken when his double decker bus became wedged under a railway bridge ripping off half the roof. Sussex Police were called to Barnham railway bridge, near Bognor, at 1.48pm today after the Solent Blue Line bus driver attempted to drive under the bridge after he misjudged the vehicle's height.

It is not known if any passengers were on the bus at the time but the driver was not injured.
Engineers from the bus company came to the scene to remove the bus from under the bridge and traffic was diverted for several hours while the road was closed. Engineers from Network Rail also checked the structure of the bridge but a spokesman said there was no delays to train services as the line was already closed for engineering works.

Paul is rather under the impression that the person who organised the bus service forgot about the bridge entirely when working out the route for these drivers.

I should point out that the bus driver has a plate inside the bus above his head telling him how high the bus is and of course, the bridge has it's own sign too. (or is that HAD?)

2007-03-24T20:25:00.000Z

116) Just knackered.

First of all, my thanks to Chris from the Isle of Wight for the picture above, it hailed slightly!

Well its been a busy week to say the least (The least - there, I've said it), I've been on AD duty,
which stands for 'As Directed' or more to the point - You will spend the week doing duties that you haven't done in months - type of thing.

What made it so different was that it was a 4 day week, but 12 hour shifts which made it quite tiring (ah bless) and by the time I got home I was knackered but i enjoyed the change and the challenge of trying to remember the local routes, and yes, I dropped a clanger.

I dreaded getting the number 9, a long and winding route to Southwick and Littlehampton, now I could remember most of it, well large chunks, it was connecting these together that was the problem. I managed to get to Southwick with no real problems and just reversed the route back to Worthing, then from there to Littlehampton, this part had a housing estate which once in all the houses looked the same and I knew that would be a problem, I think this was playing on my mind as I turned the bus in to town, a chorus of 'We don't go this way driver' hit my ears . . . . oh bum!

I totally forgot that this route was unusual because it doesn't go through the town at all but follows the seafront, oh dear. I pulled up at the far bus stop for some quick thinking . . 'he'll have to turn at the roundabout at the top' I heard one passenger say to another, this was greeted with several hmm's of acknowledgement from others. I have to say, when it comes to the crunch at least the customer knows where to go. Duly armed with this wisdom I set off, my mind trying to calculate if I could get the bus around the mini roundabout at the top in one go when, as we drew up to a set of traffic lights a passenger suggested I turned off and used a road that had been used as a diversion some weeks before, this clinched it for me, I knew that I could get a bus down there no problem, problem solved, and a look of surprise as I pulled up at the right bus stop where only a few moments earlier the waiting passengers had seen me turn off away from them, they looked at me knowingly and smiled . . . well, we all make mistakes, its getting out of them that counts and we all had a laugh, at my expense of course.

Another route that was a worry was to Midhurst, it takes a couple of hours and goes through the countryside and the historic town of Petworth, its a lovely drive if your relaxed but again the memory was vague to say the least, in fact I was surprised that I remembered it so well. the route plunges through wooded forest land with high earth banks, past 15th century houses and Cowdrey Park where prince Charles has a chukka or two. All in all a tiring but enjoyable week and most of all, a new drinks machine back at base, what more could we ask for eh.

(must remember to put the clocks forward - summertime is here)

2007-03-16T19:07:00.000Z

115) New Kid On The Block

Here's a little bit of deja vu for you. Richard who comments on this very blog has joined the gang and taken the first steps in becoming a bus driver, OK, so it's a different company but the experience will be the same (sort of) I look forward to reading more.
Blog title : Why Am I Always Late?, read it here.

Off at a tangent again . . . I've not been to a concert for years, I've seen people as diverse as The Shadows (ex Cliff Richard) to Frank Zappa, with a sprinkling of Status Quo here and there but it looks like a 'rock' group is about to burst on to the stage, I've started to see the signs everywhere . . . . so keep an eye out for 'Loose chippings' coming to a town near you.

The boys in yellow strike (yes, it used to be the boys in blue but every bugger wears these Hi Vis vests now, so much so that they no longer stand out as they have become the norm.) any way, I digress . . the point being that just the other day there seemed to be a bit of a blitz, Police and Traffic Wardens all over the place, watched one car get booked for parking in a disabled bay, another in a loading only zone and, what I enjoyed most, a woman getting a good talking to for 1) Parking at a bus stop, 2) Leaving the car unattended with two children inside.

I had a crap day by the way today (Friday) you are permitted to say ahhhhh. It started out well enough, set off on time but as I approached Bognor Regis I knew I was in for a long delay at temporary traffic lights whilst workmen install new and better designed paving for pedestrians at a busy junction, this amounts to coneing off six areas bordering the junction and working on two of them! (I wish I had invented the parking cone, boy would I be a rich man).

This made me a little late but nothing serious until I tried to get to Chichester. Once you've left Bognor (or is that – escape?) there is a lovely stretch of road that carves through the country side, now on a normal rotor you get around 14 minutes to complete this stretch, often a generous amount but at rush hour it goes to twenty minutes allowance, trouble was, twenty minutes later and I was still the wrong side of the city. By the time I left I was 20 minutes late (can you see a pattern developing here)

By the time I had visited Southsea and got back to Havant for a rest break I was back on time, I sauntered off to find food to eat, or a MacDonald's, which ever comes first. I got comfortable and watched the traffic drag by a new junction layout being built around the corner from the bus station. (Is it something to do with daffodils I wonder, as soon as they appear workmen and JCB Hybrids invade the streets and rip them to bits).

As I mulled this over, I took out my running board to see what time I took over the next bus to come home and shock horror, I should have arrived in Havant at 11.26, and there I was eating lunch at 11.05, I checked my watch, I checked my mobile phone clock, yep, 11.05 it was, oh bugger, how have I managed that. I remembered leaving Portsmouth one minute late, its just a short trip on the A27 back to Havant, about 6 minutes. The Rocky Horror Show 'time warp' song filled my head (There's ample room, it won't disturb any dust)

Deeply concerned (ha) I wondered back to the bus station and bumped in to a fellow Worthing 700 driver, 'have the ticket machine clocks on the buses ever been wrong I enquired?', 'yes it has happened' he replied, looking at me strangely. 'Oh, I seem to be here half an hour early' I said. We were talking within hearing distance of the duty controller at Havant, he flicked his eyes up at me, I caught them and handed them back.

'Are you sure you have the right running board' asked fellow Worthing driver, I pulled it out (the running board) and showed him. 'That's my running board' he said . . . . .'!' said I.

It would appear that, I still had yesterdays board in my bag, the one that's half an hour earlier that today's which was tucked behind it, I did feel a fool (he didn't mind . The fool that is). Its amazing that when you try reason something out in your head you miss the most obvious.

Someone told me the clocks go back soon, I just hope I kept the receipt

2007-03-11T12:41:00.000Z

114) The next train calling at . . . .

My friend 'Strider Paul' who is a train driver for Stagecoach (yes, we have trains as well) was sent this picture the other day from a colleague, it would appear that a train hit a tree.

'Was it a branch line I asked' slipping in a classic joke. It turns out that the tree . . . . just decided to fall down, and the trouble with trains, they're so bloody hard to steer.

(Spelling mistake spotted in 2 minutes! well done cogidubnus, I'm sure that's an anagram, I got as far as BUS COD GUN, but I prefer INCUBUS GOD)

(Spelling mistake corrected, The English language is a real pain, fancy having 3 versions of There, Their and they're, I might record an audio for my next post . . lol))

2007-03-07T20:37:00.000Z

113) Yawwwn.

Yep, I'm on holiday again, it was a case of 'use it or lose it' so . . . . I'm using it.

The picture above was one I took whilst waiting at some temporary traffic lights last week, I laughed when I saw that down a narrow lane that is marked as a dead end, a sign in the distance saying that the national speed limit applies . . . . go on, I dare someone.

From the comments received from the last post I think we can say that Taxi drivers rate lower than Parking Attendants. I would like to add that I acutely like PA's, their doing their job and for them to do it someone has to do something wrong, simple enough. there are two PA blogs in the links on the right hand side to see the other side of the coin. I have to admit that I found a good taxi drivers blog, not a job I would want to do.

The local radio this morning was full of traffic news of car accidents blocking roads and thanked god it wasn't me out there, it's frustrating for car drivers, but bus drivers have to go back and forth all day long, real pain.

Took a big risk last week that no bus driver should ever take . . . I had to do it you understand, I had no choice, I know I may be ostracised (exercised whilst dressed as an ostrich I think it means - I may be wrong), but temptation got the better of me . . . I opened and ate a sweet given to me by a UFO that had been sitting in my cash box for over a week. (UFO - Unusually Friendly Oldie). Normally we welcome these small offerings with thanks . . . assuming we know they are fresh, it's the small sweets that have us worried, just how long have they been in that pocket we wonder, anyway, I needed something and took a chance, it was lovely but I've never seen one like it before, it was a Fox's Glacier Mint but it was black and tasted of aniseed, I hope that was normal.

A recent comment poster is a guy from the bus station/depot who made himself known to me and I know he has a blog set up but not had the time to write anything, he has a great story about an irate car driver whom he blocked in at a bus stop, I can't tell it but when he does I'll let you know.

Silly thing yesterday, was out in the car and drove around a corner that's quite narrow, I slowed down, not because I needed to, it's just become a habit from bus driving, I'll be stopping at bus stops next.

2007-03-02T01:05:00.000Z

112) Taxi!

You either love them or hate them (a bit like Brussels sprouts I suppose). I have a growing dislike I'm sorry to say, they had never bothered me before until I started to drive a bus. As you can see from the picture above, one taxi and one bus stop, the driver, in urgent need of a newsagent (must have been running low on Jelly babies) just stops at any place convenient to him, even if its a bus stop and on the wrong side of the road to. Just next to the stop is a parking for the shops and around the back, a bigger free car park. Funny how you never see a bus at a taxi rank! (but I'm tempted)

Talking of taxi ranks, on the way out of Worthing town centre we have to pass out of the end of the pedestrian precinct (which of course narrows down) and pass between two lines of cars, on our left are bays for Blue badge holders who's cars are often at the most peculiar angle (still amazes me that they drive these massive 4 X 4 jeeps) and on the other side . . . . taxi's, lots of 'em. Now generally its not a problem, just take it carefully but for one small thing. When two or more taxi drivers are gathered – gossip prevails, and to this end, each parked taxi has it's window down and a fellow driver will be stood next to it chatting, and of course, there standing in the road, and when a bus comes along, do they move, not bloody lightly, one or two may breath in at best.

I have this vision that one day I shall drive past so close that their trousers will be ripped away to reveal half of them wearing stockings and suspenders (yes their all blokes) my how I shall laugh. Benny Hill, eat your heart out (oh bugger, forgot – he's dead).

Did I mention one common accident involving buses, it's taxi drivers doing U turns out of taxi ranks, and to think these guys have licences but who over-sees driving standards.

Nuff said.

2007-02-26T20:39:00.000Z

111) Old is not the word I would have used!

“you've got the slow one today Jimmy” informed the Controller, “but at least you won't be caught running early with it”, the room erupted in to muted laughter. I saw the funny side of it.

Now, at first sight, this double decker looked the same as all the rest, in fact, they all looked the same to me, but as soon as I stepped inside I knew, because . . . there were steps! the others have the low floor easy access layout, not this bugger, you had to climb aboard in every sense of the word.

I flipped a switch and turned a knob in the usual starting process, nothing happened, there should have been a shudder followed by a chug chug as the engine caught hold and kicked in to life, but nothing happened . . . hmm, perhaps I had to fill it up with coal first I thought. Without the engine running I could get no internal lights to function to see the dashboard but then, lit up by the glow of my growing embarrassment I saw a button marked . . START, Bingo, Houston, we have ignition.

The whole bus light up like a 10 watt bulb in a distant fog a long way away, I actually thought it got darker when I flipped the cab light on, a faint yellow glow bathed the reins . . I mean . . . steering wheel. (I noted that somehow, the few remaining empty buses had edged away – spooky).

Well I suppose I'd better find out what-does-what then as I looked at the dashboard. I saw the speedometer was marked in Roman numerals, no surprise there then, I did spot a rev counter with 'Isambard Kingdom Brunel – made in the British Empire' stamped on the faceplate. My next task would be to walk around the inside of the bus to check everything was intact. I saw a long piece of string running the length of the bus with a loop on one end, I assumed that the loop was placed over ones genitals and a swift tug given by the passengers as I approached their stop – only kidding. (did I mention the windows were made of lead and stained glass!) Inside inspection done I jumped out to check the lights and bodywork.

The headlights were fine, one kept going out but I trimmed the wick and it was fine. The indicators – one red flag and one green one were there and the general bodywork and ramparts seemed in good shape, on my way back to the cab I tripped over a brick tied to a length of rope, the hand-brake I presume.

The engine had been running for about 3 minutes, I checked underneath to see if anything had fallen off, nope, it all seemed to be holding together, I'd better get moving then and take it outside and park it on the seafront for a couple of minutes in ready for the off.

I might have exaggerated a bit here and there but you get the gist, it was an OLD bus, however, looks can be deceiving (just ask my wife!) , it may have been a bit sluggish to start but once it got to twenty . . . . . . . . . it stayed there.

In reality, it was a good solid bus, slow yes, but not unpleasant to drive and it made a nice change, well worth the £30 quid scrap money.

2007-02-22T22:15:00.000Z

110) Today's pain in the bottom/Crime & Punishment

As you can see from the picture above, a typical event in a bus drivers day, a car illegally parked at a bus stop, note also that the front end is over a cycle lane, an instant ticket were a parking attendant around. although it is not totally obstructing the bus stop (as I'm sure the driver would argue when he/she came out if the video hire shop) it does mean that the back of my bus is sticking out in the road and I can't draw up to the raised kerb the council has installed at cost to the local tax payer. some may argue 'where do you draw the line' and my answer in this case is very clear . . . . it's under the car!

Crime & Punishment: If you read my last entry I teased you about getting in to trouble, which I did regrettably. My crime (not a real crime I hasten to add, a company crime) was that I had left a bus stop early, not just early, four minutes early. Now to many this may seem a little trivial, but to a customer approaching a bus stop expecting a bus to arrive only to find it's been and gone, it's not popular at all. Bus companies have to have a licence to operate, they have to provide a service and this is in the form of a contract between them and the governing council, if we fail to give that service we get fined and it's a very large fine indeed and in the worse scenario, they can lose that particular route to another company which could spell disaster and the lose of jobs, some routes may require up to 20 drivers a day.

So, how was this discovered, I was observed and noted by a company employee and confirmation was by satellite tracking and the module, the evidence is irrefutable, you just can not argue with it. Why did I do it is the next question and to be honest I don't recall doing it, I have to assume that for reasons unknown I was not able to stay at the bus stop and left early, it was probably because someone parked a car there and I had to stop the bus in the road holding up traffic, it is not what I would normally do and I did find it embarrassing but facts are facts and I have to accept my punishment, I can let you rest assured that I will be back working as normal tomorrow but it will take a year to clean my personnel record of the event, I mustn't do it again or I will have to start a new blog with a different job.

2007-02-20T20:30:00.000Z

109) Back to work and a nasty surprise.

Yep, nine days off (7 holiday and 2 rest days) and I'm back on the buses, I did feel that perhaps I should have got on the training bus this morning, I'm a bit rusty to say the least.

The bad news was a brown envelope attached to my running board with my name on, it would appear that I have made a serious error and I have to 'see the man' very soon. I will explain more when I know more . . . . exciting isn't it.

As I drive around (lost as usual) I start to notice more and more things, one thing that stuck me was the growth of bottle banks for recycling. These large plastic bins are popping up all over the place and you can tell a lot about the area from these.

On the outer edges of Worthing, these bottle banks are there to supply ammo for the young thugs to throw at passing funerals and buses whilst in more middle class Ferring down the road these banks sit side by side with a large paper bank where the residents diligently post last weeks Sunday supplements and copies of the FT. If I were to open an off Licence I would certainly check out the bottle banks first to see what sort of weekly volume were talking about and the preference for red or white wine.

Other than that today was a bit of a non event sadly.

Picture: The old Norfolk bridge in Shoreham (long gone) and driving over it I believe, an original Southdowns bus perhaps, I bet the drivers still with us!

2007-02-14T20:58:00.000Z

101) Oops!

On a holiday break so here's some bus related things for you to enjoy.
1: A traffic simulator used in Germany, change the setting and see the effects. Here
2: A youth gets run over by a bus. Here
3: I hope these idiots get caught. Here

2007-02-11T13:52:00.000Z

100) The module (click picture to see the earlier version)

Every bus driver has one, they are to be guarded with your life unless you want to cough up £150 quid. About the size of a mobile phone this device is a data collector and knows every step we make, it is . . . THE MODULE.

One of the many problems we face are those people who have a Sussex CountyCard entitling them to free travel. These cards are wonderful, drivers love them, no cash to handle and so simple to use, just get on a bus after nine am weekdays and tell the driver where you want to go . . . . .or so it should be. The problem is . . . . people will try and get on the bus before nine am, in fact two minutes to nine seems the ideal time, we do find it difficult to tell the card holders that they just can't use it yet, “it's only two minutes driver” but every transaction is recorded by . . . . .THE MODULE. We can't issue before time.

Waiting for two minutes is also just not on I'm afraid, people expect us to arrive on time and when you only have three minutes to get to the next major stop you need every second.

So, if the travel is free, why do we issue a ticket then? is another question we get asked. One customer, when asked where she was going replied “Portsmouth”, “whereabouts in Portsmouth” I asked politely, “does it really matter” she answered, “Yes I answered, I need to issue a ticket”, “Oh for goodness sake . . . (long pause) . . . Commercial road if you must know, is it that important” she replied indignantly, well yes it is, the passenger may be travelling for free but who pays for the fuel, the council of course, and how much do they pay, that's easy, we tell them how many free passes we issued and what distance was travelled so we can claim back the correct cost of transit, and it's all recorded on . . THE MODULE.

Changing drivers will often result in groans and moans from waiting customers. We are governed by very strict rules when driving public transport, known as Drivers Hours, we are committed to having a break after a certain number of hours driving for reasons of safety, both ours and yours, the end result is drivers must be changed at intervals, this means the original driver books off and the new driver books on. Booking off takes but a second or two, but booking on is a different matter.

Booking on. Before anything can happen, THE MODULE must be inserted in to the ticket machine, we then answer a series of questions, such as Driver Number, PIN Number, Running Board Number, Route Number, Bus ID Number, and Service Number, all this and we still have to adjust the seat, make sure the mirrors are correct, cash box hooked up . . .phew, sitting comfortably, then we shall begin.

End of Rota. OK we've survived to the end of the shift, a little jaded perhaps but we got there, but it's not over yet, we have to cash in. there is another ticket machine in the depot, we insert . . . THE MODULE. Having signed off it yields out a special ticket, this tells us how much to pay in, In the ideal world we'd have exactly the right amount of money, but this is often not the case, we all have a 'float' of change and this is the drivers own money, needed for those that give us a twenty pound note for a one pound and twenty pence fare at the start of the day.

If the money is short, it comes out of the drivers wages, if it's over it's OURS to keep, as you can imagine, that's not often at all. You soon learn that whilst a customer was 20 pence short but you still gave them a ticket, or you didn't check the two pounds in coppers the young lad gave you it means the driver is paying for people to travel out of his own pocket. We're not unsympathetic, it's just we can't afford it.

2007-02-09T13:38:00.000Z

99) Where's all the snow then?

From the picture above (click-able) you can see, not a drop of snow, most of the country seems to be swathed in the stuff, Worthing's is just a little moist!

I did a bad thing, I drove past a waiting customer. The man, aged around the mid-twenties, dressed in a light tan jacket, coffee coloured trousers, blue check shirt and suede effect boots, tidy hair cut and clutching a black slim case (possibly holding a laptop) looked a bit surprised.

How can I describe him so accurately, simple. As I approached on a busy road in to Worthing, he was sat at a well illuminated and seated bus stop, he was turned towards me half looking at the time-table behind him, I slowed to 20 mph then to 15mph but still in the traffic flow, he turned to face me full on and . . . . . did nothing, just sat there, no raised hand, didn't motion to get up, nothing to imply he required the bus. As I drew level and beyond the point of no return, he face dropped and mouth opened.

I am sorry to say that it was just to late, breaking sharply at 15mph would cause the passengers to be thrown forward (no seatbelts on a bus) and it would also bring the bus to rest across a pedestrian crossing, to say nothing of really annoying the cars behind me.

Most people know that buses do not stop at every stop, that is impractical, people just indicate that they require the bus to stop in the simplest of ways, an arm outstretched, a slight move towards the kerb line or just throwing a spiked strip in to the road ahead will signal your desire to converse with the driver. Doing nothing will get . . nothing.

I am (as we all are) thankful to those who go the extra step when they DON'T require that bus by actually stepping back , waving us passed or looking away – bless 'em.

Had the situation been different, the result would follow suit, I have often passed a stop when a head pops out of a set back shelter (passengers love playing peek-a-boo) but been able to pull up a little down the road (traffic and space permitting) and taken them aboard, it's up to the driver to make this decision, it has to be safe.

There has also been the situation when pulling out of a bus stop, a customer will appear as we close the doors, indicate to turn in to the traffic flow and start to move out as cars behind stop and give way, bang bang on the door “wait driver – let me on” will be the words mouthed at us but again we have reached the point of no return, we are committed to pulling out and the customer will not see the danger and problems this causes. We don't do it to annoy people, we do it because we've been taught by professionals that once the doors are closed that's it, if you get dragged under the bus it's I'm afraid it's your fault that you have put yourself in danger. (is it worth it, there's another bus soon).

On a lighter note. I awarded a prize to a passenger as she got on (my smile number two)
with the words “you win today's prize for the best wave at a bus stop” we laughed.
(smile number one is reserved for leaving a bus to go home).

2007-02-08T21:46:00.000Z

98) Nice day at the office dear?

OK, off at a tangent. The world it appears is obsessed with body weight and eating the right thing, we stuff ourselves with so called junk food, don't do enough (or any) exercise and are ending up as rotund cardiac cases, but how come when I'm at waiting to start a shift I watch the seagulls eating our left over crap and much worse. We don't see fat gulls, nor do they suddenly keel over or get out of breath, and of course, not having to resort to flying for miles to find a tasty kipper but rather waddle around the depot car-park, they are certainly not burning those calories. . . . . food for thought.

If I could remove any day this week it would have been Wednesday, due to an accident and a bomb scare I was re-routed from Havant to Portsmouth via Bedhampton and Cosham (where do we get these names from, Bedhampton is straight out of a carry-on movie I think). “just turn right instead of left, then left at the round-about and follow the road to Cosham” said the man in charge at the Bus station, easy for him to say (he'd been saying it all morning) but to me, this was uncharted waters but a saviour was at hand in the form of a lovely woman passenger of unbound cheerfulness and ample bosom.

She offered to take me in hand (figuratively speaking – it was or first date mind you) and guide me thought the trauma that are the back streets of Hampshire. After a while I started to recall certain roads and realised that I'd been here before, as a trainee driver and should I have to come back that way I'd have a good chance of getting it right, I did ask the woman (no I begged actually) if she would like to stay on the bus with me but she had to go off and have her cleavage buffed up (stop it!)

On my return journey I stopped off before committing myself (don't answer that) as to what route to take, I asked a fellow driver “any route you can find mate” came his reply (you can see an Oxford eduction was not wasted on him), I phoned Havant control, no answer, so, looking at the A27 from where I stood and seeing moving traffic I thought, well it must be clear now then and went for it.

Oh dear, no sooner had I left the slip road on to the A27 when I saw the signs, single lane ahead and a build up of traffic, bugger it. After a short distance a slip road appeared going off to Farlington, I knew this road and took the chance along with about two thirds of the motorway traffic, and slipped off.

I arrived back at Havant 2 hours later having suffered the humiliation of being over taken by an old woman on a disabled scooter to a scene of mild chaos. The poor controller who sent me out was surrounded by bus drivers all smiling and asking where shall they park the bus they've just brought in late. I went off and had my break.

On my return I handed him my running board and prostrated myself before him “oh, you're meant to be in Worthing at three” . . “hmm I replied, smiling”, “see that bus over there”, he pointed to a double decker parked across the road in front of some shops, “take that one and go home”

I hate being late, ten minutes down and I get worried but as soon as it gets to half an hour you know that there is no way you can make it up and just go with the flow, this is the second time so far, but summer is going to be hell.

On my little detour I past a farm site that grows corn on the cob, or maze. This farm in summer makes a game out of it by making a maze in the maze for the kids, I checked this out to see if I could find an Ariel photo of the maze, I found one, just click on the seagull picture to see for yourself.

2007-02-04T15:35:00.000Z

97) One wheel on my wagon . . . .

Yes it's true, a reporters dream story (after 'Pope Elopes). This is the wheel off of one of our buses, it's a double back wheel that came to rest on the FINDON signpost. First things first, no one was hurt, the bus was empty, other than the driver of course. Using great skill the driver kept the bus upright and in-line averting what could have been a nasty accident.

I'm sure you can imagine what must have been going on back at the office, How could this type of thing happen, the worst scenario would be that a mechanic might be at fault however it was not to be (you have no idea just how many nuts hold the wheels on), the cause has been discovered to be undetectable metal fatigue and the company is in talks with the manufactures.

The make and model of the bus is very common and it's a popular bus with most companies, had the problem been inherent it would have come to light many many years ago. It was a freak accident and I can assure all that every bus is checked mechanically every 3 weeks.

I asked a friend originally from Fort Worth Transportation in Texas if he had ever heard of this happening, and yes he had, again it was down to metal fatigue, the invisible enemy. Bus wheels just don't come unscrewed.

2007-02-02T12:28:00.000Z

96) I want to be a train driver.

It was just one of those days today I guess (Thursday 1^st) I'm on 'late turn' which means starting in the afternoon and finishing at anywhere around 11pm to midnight.

Wednesday I started at around 3.30pm and did Brighton to Havant (rest break) and back again to Worthing and finished of with a local run, it was a breeze, no problems, all the roadworks I meet were packing up and moving the cones back out of the road, wonderful . . . until

. . . . . today (Thursday remember) , I started at around 1.20pm and the proverbial crap hit the fan in every direction. All the roadworks were in full swing (unmanned but in full swing!). On route my first mistake, I picked up 'Smelly Mary' as she is known. Few words can describe Mary, unwashed seems inadequate, Witch-like seems unfair to witches' and holocaust victim is politically incorrect. The only thing in her favor is that she'll always get a seat because no-one will sit near her.

Mary is a tough call, she's entitled to free travel, she's a human being and that should be enough but on the counter side, people tend to get off the bus at the next stop, not good for business. Fortunately she went to the back of the bus but I could hear the windows opening and the psssssssssst of handbag sized perfume sprays scenting the air, now I was driving a perfumed boudoir!

Brighton, and the a 10 minute break here, passengers had gone but the last one suggested I check the back seat where Mary had been, I knew what she meant, the smell of warm stale urine lingers.

At Brighton I always walk up the bus to pick up litter and lost property if any but now I had the unenviable job of feeling for a wet seat . . . . yuk, the good news, it was dry . . phew. I realised quite soon that I myself had a urge for a wee, and what was in my hand, a discarded water bottle I was just about to bin. The thought passed my mind, empty bus, doors closed, I could nip upstairs and . . .you know, just one problem, cameras, seven of the buggers covering every angle on both decks, if something were to happen to the bus the video would be checked, just my luck that, the thought was broken as I looked around and saw people starting to approach, oh well, I'll hang on then.(I kept the bottle)

Due to bloody road works I was delayed getting in to Worthing, as I pulled up to the seafront stop, right next to the public toilets just close enough to see they were closed . . . bugger, I could nip over to the depot, run the length of the yard but already late my mind raced ahead of me, Ferring, they have public toilets and only 15 minutes away.

Next stop was Worthing town center, always busy and as I approached I could see a problem. There are 3 bus stops in a row which we'll call 1, 2 and 3, number one being the nearest one. At stand 1 was a bus loading, number 2 stop was empty (where I needed to stop) and number 3 was a bus loading. (with me so far?) Now, If I were to pull in to stop number 2 I would have to leave my tail end out in the road, this would block in bus number one, now I had noticed that he had just 3 more passengers to load, so I pulled up along side him, the idea was that when he finished he could leave with no problems and I would then slide in to stop 2. as I stopped, I opened the doors level with his cab so as to make eye contact and he would know what I was doing . . . .

. . . . fat chance, the large crowd of passengers waiting for me surged forward right across the road in front of the bus at stop one, I waved frantically at them to go back, it amazes me that a mass of collective minds seem to function as one with a very low IQ. Most realised what was about to happen and returned to the stop, bus one pulled away and I pulled in. as I stopped and opened the doors, lowered the floor I said in a clear voice whilst looking dead ahead . . “I have now pulled in to the correct position to enable this bus to take on passengers safely and in comfort” . . turning back to face the crowd, I restarted my welcoming smile and took their fares. Diagram here.

Ferring toilets . Closed, aggggh.

Next problem (other than my bladder) was at Bognor Regis stop. Passengers got on, one chap asked for a ticket to Selsey, “I'm sorry sir, I don't go to Selsey, Chichester is the closest”, he then told me that yesterdays driver gave him a ticket and the number code was 404 on the ticket machine, I typed it in . . ERROR, ok lets try 406, no joy, I tried every combination of 40X, all came up with ERROR

'I think it was a transfer ticker he did' now a transfer ticket can be issued on one bus to allow a passenger to change to another to complete a journey, simple idea, I then checked all the destinations on the ticket machine but nothing other than my route names came up, I could not find any way to produce a ticket to a stop that I didn't go to. 'Are you sure it was a 700 bus you boarded sir' remaining polite and clam, 'oh yes, it was' he replied. 'What the f*** are YOU going to do about it then', just then a local bus pulled up, 'I know sir, lets ask this driver', 'no, don't bother, I'll just go to Chichester then', I issued a ticket and suggested he pop in to the office there and maybe get it sorted out. Now this was very frustrating, a rude customer and me not knowing the answer to a question, who was right, I shall find out and perhaps learn something new.

Chichester – company toilets – key coded, and I knew the code, deep joy. (Yes I washed my hands)

Note to self: must stop saying Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee when I go over the crest of a hill.

2007-01-30T10:59:00.000Z

95) Spot the bus competition!

It's not often that you get to park next to a tank. My trip to Portsmouth takes me past the D-Day museum on the seafront at Southsea, there is a bus stop but on-one has ever got off there so I took a minute or two to have a look (empty bus).

Another thing that fascinates me is the hovercraft that goes from Southsea to the Isle of wight, I have often seen it sweep up the shore and settle down or 'land' or whatever it is that hovercraft do. One day I'll get the timing right and stop the bus next to the protective wall, run upstairs and get a picture, me and the Captain are on waving terms at the moment.

Yesterday I meet annony himself (there are several anonymous's) but this one I knew worked for the bus company. I pick up a few drivers and staff pass holders on my route but when one knows your name it comes as a bit of a shock. We had a good chat on the way to Chichester, discovered we shared a liking for beer, books and knitting (I might have made-up the last one).

I will have to admit to a small cock-up yesterday in old Portsmouth. There was a small diversion just after leaving 'The Hard Interchange', normally its straight on but we were diverted to the left, now not knowing the area I thought I would get lost but as luck would have it another bus (a Solent bus) was in front of me, I knew this went to the same stop at Clarence pier, I followed it and chatted with the driver later. On the way back . . . . I forgot. I took the normal turning, realised within 10 seconds (the lack of traffic gave it away) and managed to turn around and get back, much to the delight of a couple on the top deck, you know somethings up when the passengers stop talking.

2007-01-30T01:31:00.000Z

94) To keep you busy until later.

Check out the picture above, can you spot the sneaky trick here. click to enlarge.

Couple of interesting answers, Julio, yes you're right about the apostrophe but that's not it. 'justajob', nope, the Werther's Originals stay unclaimed.
The correct answer is HERE.

2007-01-25T11:18:00.000Z

93) Snow, snow, thick thick snow.

Monday I noticed a daffodil of all things in the garden, I knew we had had a mild winter so far but this was pushing the boundaries, but by Wednesday . . . . it was covered in snow!

My rota told me I had Wednesday and Thursday off which I was really looking forward to, a lay-in at last . . . . no such luck, I was woken up with 'It snowed, can you take the kids to school', bugger.

My thoughts went instantly to the guys out there driving buses, not that driving a bus is much of a problem in itself, the roads had already turned to slush as the temperature rose, it's the general motoring public whom, in any adverse condition take to their cars in droves and just cause chaos and mayhem. I guess I've missed some good stories from the 'lads'.

2007-01-21T17:07:00.000Z

92) Industrial espoinge - espainge - spying

I have been sworn to secrecy of course but this picture is worth a thousand words, Stagecoach has been working on a hover bus. In was an accident at first of course, the engineers used helium to fill the tyres and as people gathered round one bright spark said out loud 'why not fit a couple of office fans to it' and the hover bus was born, other than that, a quite week really.

One thing I do enjoy about doing the 700 run is the diversity of habitat I drive through, town, village, city and countryside, I have been fortunate in having the ability to enjoy nature in it's rawest form, the wildlife observations have been fantastic, sure, they have been flattened out of shape in most cases, but tyre marks aside, natures creatures have a beauty about them.

One of the stops along the route is Littlehampton cemetery, often a little old lady will get on in town and ask for the cemetery and if she asks for a 'return' ticket I resist the temptation to ask her if that's a wise investment.

One of the many things that perplex me about the elderly and infirm is, after struggling to get on the bus, they insist of wobbling down to the far end. I watch them carefully in the rear view mirror taking care not to move off until they have sat down. but I will admit to one moment of weakness where one old dear just hovered above the seat for what felt like eternity, I pressed down on the foot brake, released the hand-brake, re applied the hand brake and released the foot brake, this had the effect of giving the bus a slight judder, enough to plop the lady in place, we could now proceed onwards.

One chap, having mislaid his free pass had to pay cash for his journey but he was 20 pence short of the fare, I suggested he run along side until the next stop (we laughed), you do have to know just who you can be cheeky too. (I covered the shortage by the way, just in case an accountant is reading this).

An incident occurred last week that's worth a mention, it happened in Chichester Bus Station. Some bus stations have the buses draw up 'face on' to the stand, this means that when loaded we have to reverse backward (any other way of reversing?) from between other buses until well passed them, then hand brake on, out of gear, hazard lights off, audio reversing speaker disengaged, re-select forward, brake off and advance, all this whilst treble checking the mirrors and stuck out in the middle of the yard like a little island. . .

. . . this irate customer came storming across the yard from the exit road, arms windmilling in the air before him, he of course wanted to get on the bus, I waved back at him indicating that I would NOT let him on, he came around to the side of the bus, I again indicated that I would NOT let him on, and even said out loud 'I'm sorry sir. too late' (this was for the benefit of the passengers more than anything else) . . . .

. . . He pressed the 'Emergency Door Open Button' on the outside 'I'm sorry sir, I have started a maneuver, I can not stop from this point' he ranted and raved about waiting 40 minutes for a 700 and was very verbal. knowing that the only way I could stop him was physically (he had climbed on the bus at this point), I told him to 'take a seat, I'll deal with you when I stop next'.

Now you may think me a little harsh and perhaps a bit of a 'jobs-worth' but once we have closed the doors it's a rule not to open them. We have a poster in the depot telling the story of an accident along these lines involving the death of a child. It was some time before I had to stop again to let someone off, he came up to me, still red in the face, I asked him where he wished to travel to and dealt with the ticket, whilst sorting it out I told him that I could possibly lose my job over an incident like that, he went back and sat down.

When he eventually got to his stop, he apologised to me, the air was lifted as he explained it was his anger at a late bus, I gave him the telephone number of Chichester Bus Station and recommended he contact them and perhaps there might be a valid reason for the delay.

I have picked up this passenger twice since this event, he always makes a point of saying a warm hello to me and I of greeting him.

It did come to light that 'his' bus had passengers on but was displaying 'out of service' on the front. Considering it was within walking distance (or running distance in his case I should say)
of Chichester Bus station and depot I would assume an incident had occurred similar to one I had a couple of weeks ago . . a woman threw-up all over the back seat, I stopped the bus whist she sorted herself out, I phoned the depot and was advised to bring it it (as I was close by) and a replacement would be found, I was to run with a 'Not in service' display and not to pick up any more passengers and ask if any passengers wished to get off and wait at the nearest stop or continue to the depot. this is just one example of running but not stopping, there's always two sides to a coin.

2007-01-15T21:41:00.000Z

91) Early one morning, just as the sun was shining (sing-a-long now)

Its 5.10 in the morning on a cold damp Monday. I'm due to start the route at 5.20 but roll the bus out on to the seafront to give some space in the yard, it gets a bit cramped with 60 plus buses you know.

You may just notice on the top corner nearest the camera a curvy stainless steel tubular arrangement, this is the tree branch deflector, a simple idea that saves a lot of money as the top shell of the bus is glass-fiber and aluminum, light-weight but easily cracked or dented.

Now this brings me to an interesting point for those non-bus drivers reading this, and that is something called camber. All the roads (well the better ones) have a camber, that is, they curve from the centre downwards to aid the run off of rain water, this has the effect that whilst not really noticeable in a car makes the bus lean inward towards the pavement. Now trees are trimmed back so as not to protrude (fav word there) out in to the road beyond the kerb line, same with road signs, but if a bus leans in, well, things happen. Bus drivers know how wide the bus is but sometimes we rub against branches or park not as close to the kerb as we would like.

Click the picture above to see a small picture I have put together, and for my American readers, our roads aren't always that wide!

2007-01-11T23:50:00.000Z

91) . . . . . as a judge m' lud

I always get that sinking feeling when I walk past the controllers window and I hear,
'ah Jimmy - just the man' (I hear the other controllers sniggering in the background)

I manage to pull myself away from an interesting conversation about a Rollo chocolate sweet and a pair of buttocks and stick my head through the open window. 'You have been selected for an Alcohol Breath Test' I was informed, 'oh, right - that should be fun' relied I.

For a fleeting moment I thought that I might be plied with a volume of selected Real Ales to make sure the machine works, the thought didn't stay long, pity.

I was to be tested by Mr L (who is the only controller with his own pen - the others are on lenghts of string) and a witness Mr H (who had recently sharped his pencil) and was handy and not walking around with a clipboard.

Many people assume that drivers are ordinary men and women which of course they are, but they have to go through a lot to earn that badge and random alcohol and drug testing is part of the package.

I was escorted to a private room where I was exposed . . . . . to the machine (exciting isn't it). It resembled a cross between an asthma breath tester and an old police Breathalyser. Mr L showed me a sealed disposable mouth piece that would be inserted in to the machine (it was the wrong shape for anywhere else), next the machine was calibrated so the machine displayed 'insert 10p to start' (not really - it just displayed 00.0)

'blow slowly and steadily until the buzzing sound stops' I was instructed 'and you're not to hold the machine in anyway'. It was a really a strange feeling standing there, hands behind my back and I couldn't stop thinking that all this could be a practical joke and I was being filmed.

The buzzing stopped, the pause seemed to last a lifetime . . . . 'negative' said Mr L.

Now I knew I had nothing to worry about and all this was an adventure to me and so I could look at the whole thing in a light-hearted way but there is of course a serious side to all this.

I asked what happens if it had been a positive result?

It turns out that there would be another test in 20 minutes time (I think) and whilst waiting I would have to be escorted around if I required a drink of water or needed the toilet, basically under 'house arrest' in a way. a second positive would result in instant suspension and disciplinery action.

Can't wait for the drugs test!

2007-01-10T12:17:00.000Z

90a) Panic over - Southsea does have a 'real' pier - phew.

If you've read my post below you will know how upset I was at the poor excuse for a pier known as Clarence pier, well I'm pleased to say that with the help of 'Anonny' it would appear that Southsea has a real one, know as South Parade Pier, it's tucked around the corner a bit (must be shy)

Note: the green arrow on top isn't realy there!

ADDITIONAL: There was another!

Victoria Pier exsisted in 1874 made of cast iron just below king edwards gate, now a small jetty is in it's place. Not to be confused with Royal Victoria pier on the Isle of Wight - once I get started.

2007-01-10T11:11:00.000Z

90) You've got to be joking, size IS everything!

This is Clarence Pier in Southsea just south of Portsmouth, here is where the 700 Coastliner bus stops at the end of it's route (marked with a red letter B) I'm folloing up a comment made by Mutley on the 27th of December.

I've stopped here several times now but have only wondered as far as the toilet block. I have always assumed that the big sign announcing 'Clarence pier' was just that, a pier. well to be honest, I've seen a fishing rod stick further out to sea than THAT pier.

So, what is the definition of a pier? to me it has to be a structure that falls in to the catogory of 'uncompleted bridge', the ability to be surrounded by water on three sides at least, and to able drive/steer/navigate a boat under it, waving madley at the day-trippers above whilst dodging thrown deck chairs and swooping seagulls.

I'm sorry Southsea but that's a poor excuse for a pier. The Red letter H on the picture shows where the Isle of Wight hovercraft docks/lands/sits, I swear I saw an old lady the other day throwing bread at it, bless her.

2007-01-07T00:38:00.000Z

89) I seem to be retarded!

I wouild like to thank david from his Bus Driving Blog of which I'm an avid reader. David reminded me of the exsistance of a brake retarder which explians why the double deckers I drive brake so harshly, and its educational as well.

Unbeknown (long word of the week) to most travelers, buses and lorries are fitted with a brake retarder, this is (usually but not always) an electro-magnetic device fitted around the drive shaft that comes in to play when the brake is depressed (as is pushed down, not as in sad). this device slows down the drive shaft to assist in braking, exceptionally useful when driving downhill.

It would appear that if it were not fitted, the normal friction brake shoes would wear down in about 3 weeks rather than the current 3 months, this can result in some rough braking as it stops functioning at slow speed causing a jerking sensation (calm down at the back) as the friction brakes take over, I suppose it better than me telling people to assume the crash position.

2007-01-02T19:30:00.000Z

88) On the road again.

I'm starting to get the hang of the 700 Coastliner service now, it still has it's moments of course, last night I was coming back along an open stretch of road at 50mph when I got caught by a gust of wind, I almost has a trouser accident I can tell you, I wonder how I would have explained that to Control.

"Control here, X speaking"
"Hi X, Jimmy here, I've er. . . had a little accident"
"Whats the damage?"
"It's a . . . . . . . spillage"
"Can you mop it up at all?"
"not from where I'm sitting"
"ha ha, you make it sound like you've shi . . . . . . "
(Pause, small light bulb appears)
"oh"
"Hmmm, yes . . . . please, don't tell anyone"

It could have been a lot worse of course . .

"Hi Control, jimmy here"
"Hi Jimmy, what's the problem"
"The bus fell over"

Shorter I think you'll agree but I think the trouser accident could still be part of the scenario.
still, it didn't fall over and my pride remained intact, I just slowed down.

Comments made over the last few days. Jon, yes we have bendy buses, up north somewhere, the early ones tended to catch fire, they didn't allow enough slack in the wiring loom for all that twisting. Annoy, 10 out of 10 for effort. Mutley, I think the Bognor Pier should just be called a Pi. Thanks to Cisestrian for this http://www.nouse.co.uk/2006/06/27/bleak-f-t-r-for-travel/
I wonder what it will look like when it hatches?

And thanks to everyone for the Happy New Years.

2007-01-01T11:45:00.000Z

87) Silly Billy.

Went in to work this morning and guess what, I wasn't listed to work New Year's day and they sent me home, I told the controllers I loved them and left quickly before they changed their minds.

2007-01-01T11:15:00.000Z

87) I'M NOT DEAD - just resting!

The old year didn't finish on a high note for me, my computer isn't well and I suspect the hard drive (it's been sulking I think) anyway, the time has come when I could no longer put up with the icons not showing up or programs just freezing on me, drastic action is called for here.

Luckily Christmas brought along a small cash gift that was just enough to purchase a new hard drive. Now I'm not afraid to tinker with a computer, truth be known, I've been building my own computers for over 8 years on and off, but technology being what it is things move on at a pace faster than my brain. I trotted off to PC World (not my favorite store but it was open) and purchased a nice new shiny 80 gig hard drive.

Remember I just said how technology moved? well the new hard drives now use a standard connector called SATA rather than the old and familiar IDE, I didn't know this and so of course I stripped my machine down completely, a sort of spring clean only to find I couldn't connect the bloody thing.

Digging out the handbook I found that my motherboard was SATA compatible, I just had to use the right cables - but could I find them - no. Eventually I did, the place looked like it had been burgled by the time I finished, and so dear reader, I shall be spending today backing up emails and the like in readiness for the Hard Drive By-Pass operation later today.

There my be a pause in transmission, but I shall return. (now, where did I put that hammer?)

2006-12-27T22:12:00.000Z

86) Who's a big boy then.

This week I'm working the AD rota, which in plain English means, I do whatever the controllers want me to do, such as keep out of their hair (if they had any). I fully expected to be here, there and everywhere, It's not uncommon after a festive break of a couple of days that a driver or two might be a little under the weather and staff shortages ensue, but no, the cunning buggers had other plans for me.

I was to route-learn the 700's, or Coastliner as it's often called. Starting from Worthing I was to drive to Portsmouth, home of HMS Victory and the British Navy (hello sailor), and it's bloody miles away. Now I had tried to route learn this before but it got dark half way through but I had no excuse this time, not at 9am in the morning.

Now of course, their not just going to give me a bus and a list of stops because I would never find my way out of town, let alone another county, and so I was to be piloted 'by Dan, the Pilot man'.
I know the route as far as Littlehampton, which is about one fifth of the way.

Now the really annoying thing is . . . you have to not just stop at small towns along the route, you have to drive in to them which can be a little confusing, they often have amusing local names such as, Sparks Corner (not on any map I hasten to add) Toad Hall (honest) Bosham (I know a rhyme about that town), Chidham (famous for it's chids?) to name but a few.

It was more like a day trip than route learning, Chichester Cathedral, Fishbourne Roman Villa, Clarance pier, wish I had brought sandwiches now. But the fun was not to end there, oh no. We stopped for a break at Havant, this means giving the bus over to another driver, I had this nasty feeling I wasn't going to see it again, I was right.

After the break we scurried back to the bus stand outside and there waiting for us was a bloody great double decker. I told my pilot that I had only briefly driven one, He seemed unfazed, so off I went.
Now I have to admit that, in reality, it's just like driving any other bus except the engine is very powerful and the brakes super sharp. After a while you sort of forget there's an 'upstairs' until you clip a tree branch (or bridge - no I didn't), I was still convinced it would topple over on Sharp corners but it didn't.

The whole trip, (start) Worthing - Portsmouth - Worthing - Brighton - Worthing (end) took nine and a half hours, plus two one hour breaks. it made a nice change from the usual around town routes and you really felt you were driving somewhere.

The picture above shows a 700 in action.

Map in PDF format donated/supplied by Anonny - Here

2006-12-24T22:23:00.000Z

2006-12-23T21:12:00.000Z

85) I'm AD?

Worry not dear reader, it's not infectious. I have been very lucky this Christmas to have a goodly chunk of time off, last week I worked four ten hour days which means 3 days off in the week, and they all fell at the end of the week.

There is no service Christmas day nor Boxing day (drivers have families too) and so I've ended up with five days off in a row, what a lucky boy I am. The rest of the week I'm AD, that is to say 'As Directed', so back to work on the 27th and working new years eve and New Years Day but I can't complain about that can I, Fair's fair.

Friday afternoon was spent with a couple of friends having a beer tasting session which we recorded and can be found here for those that want to hear 3 middle-aged blokes getting slowly drunk. www.vobes.com show 653.

2006-12-21T19:54:00.001Z

84) Deleted on legal advice.

I have removed this item on advise from a friend of mine in the legal profession. Whilst I gave an honest opinion and explanation I have to agree that it is better for all concerned that it be removed from public view.

2006-12-15T19:57:00.000Z

83) Things go from bad to worse.

It's just not my week. My morning duties involved going across West Worthing Crossings several times, as normal, all is well until the last round, I get caught by the gates (awww, nasty).

What really got my goat (if I had one) are buggers like those shown above. Parked on the pavement. Parked on double yellow lines. Parked in a traffic filter lane. Parked with front wheel sticking out. The corner of the road (bottom left) had ample parking around the corner.

I had to wait until the filter light in the next lane turned green and some kind soul let me out.

My bad day didn't end there, the afternoon was a complete disaster, I'll tell you tomorrow.
suffice to say, the police were involved.

2006-12-15T00:51:00.000Z

82) Just a quickie!

Just about everything the traffic could throw at me happened, lorries unloading in the high street, railway crossing closed due to burst water main changed the local traffic flows, managed to end up 10 minutes late by the end of the day (hate being late).

On the up side, Old lady gave me a bar of chocolate, drove a brand new unscratched bus (carefully) and discovered my blog has become common knowledge in the depot (Hi Eddie)

I just don't know how I got the application forms mixed up between pilot and bus driver escapes me!